Determined to Hope

Yesterday as we walked up the stairs to the house after church, I told Joe, "I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time today." "About what?" he asked. "Just hopeful," I said. Could be that the sun had shone for 2 days in a row, as today it's a bit greyer and I'm having difficulty getting started... But more than that, I thought of the title phrase yesterday, and while it's written in the past tense, I like to use it more in the present tense (although I hesitated writing this because I'm not quite sure it's a word, or at least the proper usage of it...) I am determining to hope. I am making an active choice that I am no longer going to allow myself to be turned on the whims of other people. I'm tired of living in on a bubble. My life is going to be what I'm going to make of it, and I'd like to make it pretty good. Now, of course, after that determination, today is grey, I'm sleepy and just want to spend all day on my computer with Headline News and the Food Network blaring on the big screen. But I'm realizing that God has been telling me our TV is one of my biggest bubble-blowers. I'm not the type of person to say "ARGGG TV IS EVIL....KILL THE TVS....NEVER WATCH TV AGAIN.' But I need to make choices. I can be alone with my thoughts, read and actually understand Thoreau, write the plays and stories I've had ideas for, or I can let my mind have it's way and zone into CNN. I choose life. I choose the red pill... (a random matrix reference, but who knows if that's actually the pill I think I mean...) Along the same lines, after we had just come in the house, I had JUST made my statement to Joe, I was using the bathroom so we could call Steve to sing a horribly off key version of Happy Birthday to him (33 on Sunday WOO HOO!!!) when he beat me to the punch. He called, and while my bro is a wonderful, well rounded man of God, he doesn't really cry much (that I've seen) but with tears in his voice, he told me about our buddy Big Ray. Big Ray who is the most hopeful, jovial, loving man I've met. Big Ray who now is facing cancer all throughout his body. I struggled momentarily. I don't know what to do. The Presbyterian in me says "Make a casserole". I'm 500 miles away. Casseroles won't work. Joe gave me a big hug and said, "all we can do is pray. he can still be completely healed." I know this. Mentally, I know this. In my heart, I doubt. So, recognizing that this is a test, I will finish my post, close my computer, drink my coffee and go live life to it's fullest in this grey day. And I will be determined to hope. I will hope for Ray, I will hope for my knee (P/T starts today...) I will hope for the new structures I've laid out for my drama team that we will no longer function like a bobble headed doll, saying "yes" to everything and getting no where. I will hope for this city that I alternately loathe and love. And I will live. Because tomorrow isn't promised. I have today to worry about... Ray's favorite verse is Matthew 6.34 "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Please join me in praying for Big Ray. And today, LIVE. Live for Ray, live for me, live for God, live for you. LIVE

Living in on a Bubble

I've been stuck on the couch. Strep throat and now found out that the knee not only has a torn MCL which may heal on it's own, the ACL is indeed torn (had thought it wasn't... but oh well) and I will probably need surgery. But life on the couch has led to many hours of Headline News (I know.... but Robin is just so perky!) and surfing the web. Which has led me to a couple of new things. Facebook. Yeah, I spend way too much time on it, but it has led to some awesome re-connections with folks I haven't talked to for a while. And I've come up with new blog I like to read. A Running Commentary is by a friend of mine (and Steve's...) But reading his blog today made me really think. Steve and I both have known Chris always to be intelligent and passionate about what he believes, and in reading some of his posts it is obvious that he studies his subjects so that he can write clearly and effectively about them. But it made me wonder is there something out there that I am so passionate about that I would be that in depth? Steve used to drive me nuts making me listen to these crazy loud bands and say, "the drummer on this one use do be the lead singer here, but got together with the guitarist from that band..." Yeah, you see how much I remember about those things. Steve was always the smart one, and he always seemed to know so much about so many things. He remembers sports things, golf holes, golf scores, scripture and family events. I know when I have a question that needs clarification, he'll be the one with the answer.
But as for my title. Yes, I know I used both "in" and "on" where a normal person would choose just one of the two. But I will say, in the words of the doctor who took my temperature in the 5th grade. Who ever told me I'm normal? I'm not. So I didn't. In the midst of March Madness, indeed any sports stretch, "On the bubble" refers to having one's destiny be up in the air, yet to be decided by future things (and often other people) with the end result being favorable and hopeful or disastrous. Living "in a bubble" on the other hand, is the Pollyanna mindset that refuses to see any problems or difficulties other than one's own, certain that no one else in the world actually exists except in contact with ones self.
Yeah, so why do I feel that way. I feel like I've been living without living. Going about my daily life without going outside my boundaries. But instead of having the usual obliviousness that comes with living in a bubble, I have been waiting for other things outside of my control to decide my destiny. Maybe a bit like a ball in a pinball machine. It stays inside the machine, never doing anything other than the things that are inside the machine for it to do, but never quite deciding on it's own where it will go, but waiting to be flung around by the flippers.
Now, this rant could be fueled by the cold medicine I'm using to breathe properly right now, but I'm kind of tired of not knowing where my next step is going to be. Not that I'm not waiting on the Lord for what His will is, but am I passionate about nothing? Is there nothing out there that I wouldn't devote hours of my time to just so that I could know all there is to know about it? Is there nothing I would stand for so strongly that I would fight for it? As I type, I'm listening to talk radio and there is yet another woman on the show spouting the same old bumper sticker platitudes about a particular candidate, and I find myself almost waking up from a stupor, thinking "that's what I sound like". Not about a political candidate, although I am questioning what I actually think about our current president's policies and how I'll vote this November (thanks Chris) But about my life. There's a line in Dead Poet's Society "You're right. Carpe Diem. Even if it kills me." And of course, the traditional opening of the meeting of the dead poet's society from Thoreau "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." I think I am slowly discovering that I have not lived, not for a while. I've been existing and subsiding on that which has been handed to me. I think I did live at one point, but there has been such a fear that has come and I've stopped living because it was safer, neater, easier. To suck the marrow out of something can't be neat. I'm assuming it is a messy endeavor. But I think I've let the 'how' hold me back. I've let the 'how' kill me. I need to realize that indeed, even if it kills me I need to 'carpe diem'. So if you've got ideas on the 'how' leave a comment. But above all, join me in a barbaric YAWP and suck the marrow out of life. I'd love stories of how you're doing just that...

Who I Be

I wrote this piece the other night when I couldn't sleep. After passing it by Steve & Jennn, I was advised to put it out there. It will eventually be a performed spoken word piece, so when you read it, think that way....Would love any feedback....

As I
Lay in bed
I listen as cars drive by
As they bump by
They thump by
Bumpin their tunes
Broadcasting the news of
Who they be
And how they see
Themselves
And I get to wondering, how bout me
Who I be,
And how do you see me

I lay there thinking on the edge of sleeping and waking
And I think for a moment I almost catch a glimpse of me
How you see me
And I see
Perfection

But then
In the next take
I see every mistake
Every scar every mess
Every time I regret as I look back and see
Who I be
And I wonder what they see when they see me
As I be
Do they see eyes of fear
Hesitant hands
Sealed lips
When the only thing they wish for is the drip
Drop of your blood to come and set them free
But instead they get me
And not you, not your love, not your words
That will comfort when they fear
How do I be
Like you
In every way every word every thought every deed
When all I need
All I want is to be not me, but you
I want them to see not me but you
Not who I be, not who I am
But the Great I Am
In me
Instead of
Who I be

Burying in Vain

So the past couple of nights, Speedy has been taking great pains to return to his primal roots while maintaining his posh urban lifestyle. Since he can no longer jump up on our bed in the middle of the night, he's been attempting to bury his favorite bone all around the house, usually before he'll let himself (or us) lay down for the night. Last night, he decided to bury it in the recently unpacked toiletry bag right next to the bed:

Now, you may have noticed it was very easy for me to "uncover" his bone. He also has taken to burying himself as well:

He is not so easy to uncover all the time. But the point of this rambling is that how often I try to bury my problems and my feelings and it's usually in vain. And how often I bury who I really am, and that's not so easy to find when it's been buried for a while. Once again, I look at Speedy and I see myself. So I think I'll take a cue from him and chill out for a while.

The List

I've been asked to see the list. So here it is... 30 things that I want to do while I'm 30... 1: Hit my goal weight (135) 2: Complete the Flemington Triathalon (this will actually be completed when I'm 31, but the training will happen while I'm 30) 3: Ride in a helicopter 4: Try surfing (take a lesson) 5: Go to a country I've never been in before 6: Be in a major film or TV show 7: Take Joey on a suprise vacation (surprise! I busted my leg...) 8: take a gourmet cooking class 9: Take a Wilton cake decorating class series 10: Produce a major play at Hope Center 11: Write a movie 12: Break 100 (in golf for the non-golfers) 13: Fly somewhere first class 14: Graduate Speedy from obedience classes 15: Ride the Central Park carriages 16: Attend a major golf event (not a Major golf event, just something with some big names..) 17: go on a cruise 18: pursue getting an agent 19: Karioke 20: go see a taping of a show in NYC (Rachel Ray or Martha) 21: Drive cross country the senic way 22: Go on a leaf watching trip 22: Hear jazz at the Blue Note, Birldand, Irridium or somewhere like that 24: Go to a yankees game 25: go see a Christmas show at Radio City (yeah, this will have to wait til 31 as well...) 26: go to the circus at MSG 27: Re-establish contact with one old friend 28: Go to Hershey PA 29: make our own wine 30: make a scrapbook of it all (jen, this is where you come in!!)
So there you have it... 30 things to accomplish. I've done #22, #7 and #20. I've got some work to do... so hopefully my knee will be back to form soon and I can get busy. (Jen, for pics of my vermont expolits, I'll hook you up with facebook. I've got everything posted there...)