The Randomness of Me

Spin Cycle

2009-02-12T08:01:00.001-08:00

I have started taking a spin class. With Joe. At 6am. Which means I have to get up when he gets up. At 5.30am. Now, while I'm not a morning person, and as I type I am falling asleep on the keyboard for lack of coffee, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning. One of the guys in class asked me as I was headed out the door, "so you like spin class?" I thought for a moment and then said, "I guess I'm sadistic, yes. I like spin class." Part of the reason is that the teacher is great. He talks smack throughout most of the class, and the students throw it right back. There's a dentist that has been at the gym I think as long as Joe and I have (2 years or so..) and he's always been cordial to me when he sees me, despite my lack of 'morning person-ness'. The past 2 classes, he's been on the bike next to me and has been playing around with what to nickname me. He had been calling me Early Valentines Day, and Roses since I told them Joe had already gotten me roses, not for Valentines day, just because he loves me. (ok now, group 'awwwwww' and then turn and puke...) But today, towards the end of class, he started calling me 'the First Lady of Spin Class' as in, 'come on, First Lady, crank it up one' and 'it's ok now, if the First Lady wants to rest, she can rest.' It made me smile. So today, as I was getting ready to come into work, I found myself looking in the mirror differently. My weight may not be where I'd like it to be, but I'm getting into shape. And I had been babying my leg ever since the incident with the mountain...(I was skiing along just fine and then the mountain had to go and get in the way. Stupid mountain. We're still not on speaking terms.) But I can feel it getting stronger. The triathlon is in September, and I am considering running a half marathon with some friends in October. Those were things I had wanted to do before "THE INCIDENT", but never did. Time for excuses is over. Time for waiting is over. Spin class is only 2 days a week, but I will get up and I will go to it, and the First Lady will ride!!

Home, Strange Home

2009-01-29T19:53:00.001-08:00

So Steve has a way of reminding me where I'm from... in a good way. As you've read below (because I'm sure you've read all my posts, right?? You have, haven't you?? Come on, humor me...) I've been reading Prodigal God by Tim Keller. I'm in the section where the concept of 'home' really hits home.... Mr. Keller's point in the section I'm reading right now is that no matter what we think of as 'home', our memories can never be achieved, and even were we to go back in time to the actual occurrence of those memories, even that would be a shadow of the feeling. He posits this because as humans, we were made for fellowship with God, and our home was the Garden of Eden. Or more importantly, where God was. He poses the thought that we will never again feel that satisfying 'home' feeling until we are with God. Now, while I wholeheartedly agree with this thesis, Steve's facebook post to me this morning had me feeling more 'home' than I've felt in a long time. What was this miraculous post you ask? Steeler Ladies.
Now, I already was loving the original Beyonce song, although, since the teenager above me loves it as well and has a penchant for listening to it over and over again at 7am every morning, it's begun to wear on my nerves a bit. Today I got payback. I downloaded the Steel City version onto both of the laptops (Joe is not as thrilled that it's on his, as he's not a Steeler Lady), uploaded it my Ipod, and it is playing on seamless rotation as I type. Now, granted. I am a Steelers fan. A huge fan. I have a playlist of Steelers songs, including 3 versions of the polka. Some of the songs I have on the playlist on the laptop didn't even make it to the Ipod because they're from the Kordell era. I almost cut some songs from the 2005 Superbowl run because they refer to Plaxico. I don't like Plaxico. Now, I know that the song will eventually get old after listening to this latest version of Steeler Pride all day ,and I do mean all day. I took the Ipod to the office with me. (There was a brief amount of time where I listened to Rush. He's soothing. We've established this.) And I did listen to the Polamalu song a bit, some Paint it Black and Back in Black, but yes, mostly Steeler Ladies. Anywho, yes. It will eventually get old, but there is something hugely empowering about listening to this song and being able to parallel park in the city all while car dancing. (come on, you do it too, don't deny it. I SO know you do it!) The second verse is nice, yes, recounting all the players, and feeling cool because I know which players they're talking about. But strangely enough, its the first verse that's brought me back to myself. I'm not a typical lady. I certainly don't fit the mold of the fashonista NYC ladies. I'm from the midwest. I don't mind that it's 3 degrees. I'll wear another hoodie (preferably my big, comfy OSU one) I learned to yell at the refs from my dad. And while he doesn't have a Bradshaw jersey that I could swipe, I wear my Ward jersey(s) knowing one day they'll be there for my sweet little princess. But just because I'm from the midwest and have my 3 terrible towels, I can still be a city gal. I can parallel park pretty good, maybe even better than my dad. (I knew we'd turned a corner when the last time the folks were up to visit, dad declined the opportunity to drive, and let Joey chauffeur him around.) I can ride the subway, get in and out of a cab gracefully and run in 3 inch heels. Yet, just because God has moved me to New Jersey, I do not cease to be a midwest gal. I will sing along as Myron 'yoi's' his way through the polka. I will dance around the house to Steeler Ladies through Sunday, and beyond in the case of a win... because "i was raised this way, i know every play,...look at me now with my Terrible Towel." And I will dance the salsa the best I can, clap in latin rhythm at church and attempt the Wu Tang (as long as the New City Kids are doing it with me...) Just because my location of home has changed doesn't mean that all the things that went into me have to cease. "What we were plus what we are makes us Pittsburgh" This is the sum of me. Dancing in my jersey and enjoying every minute of it. Switchfoot, Style and Steeler Nation.... this is who I am.

Merry Christmas!

2009-01-15T09:26:00.000-08:00

I know, you're saying... um... Sarah, look at the calendar. It's January 15. You've overshot by a couple of weeks. But we did the actual Christmas dates down in Florida and then I went to Ohio (and Detroit, I have the CUTEST new little cousin Julia, plus got to see the ADORABLE Levi who is getting so big!) to do Christmas with my fam there, so last night, Joe and I finally had our Christmas together. It was wonderful. Pics will be posted on face book soon, along with video of the Speeder and his stocking. And this morning when we woke up to yet another FREEZING day here in Joisey, it was SNOWING!! So, yeah, pretty good Christmas for me. But, alas, because the rest of the world is unaware of the fact that yesterday was Christmas for me, Joe and I both had to go to work today. So as I was driving him to the train, muttering under my breath about all the folks who suddenly forget how to drive in weather, I found myself saying the following to Joe. (this is proceeded by me letting a driver from a side street make a left turn in front of me, with no acknowledgement of my kind driving.) Me: "You're welcome!. See that's the problem I have with all the drivers around here. I figure because I'm a kind driver, people will be kind to me, but that just doesn't happen." Which suddenly made a connection to a book I've been reading. My boss got it for me for Christmas, but Steve tried to get it for me too (Steve, side note, forget if I told you, but I should have taken that copy, the flight attendant on the flight home was asking about it and wrote down the title... wished I had it to give to her....) Anywho, one of Tim Keller's points is that the parable of the prodigal son was told to prick the Pharisees in the group who are represented by the older brother in the story. Because he'd lived a 'good' life, he expected to get all these blessings from his father. The pharisees of old lived much the same way. They kept to the law not because it was "life to their bones" but because they figured if they did all the right things, they would get all the right blessings from God. Not so much. And that's the way I've lived. I've been "nice and good" all my life (go ahead, Steve, break into 'into the woods' songs now...) expecting that God will bless me with all the things I want, no matter if they're the best He has for me. I've been good, and I want it so give it to me now. Yeah, I'm not a princess or anything. But even after reading it, and knowing it applied to me, it took crazy Jersey drivers to bring the point home to me. So thank God for Jersey drivers, and it's my prayer that I would love Him for HIM not for the things He can give me. That's my prayer for you too, this new year (well, newish... I know, I'm a few weeks behind...) That you would find a new depth of love for the Lord, that you would not be able to grasp how wide, how deep His love is for you and you would never tire of it. With the tough times we're facing ahead, He's all that matters.

Speaking the Unspoken

2008-09-22T18:37:00.000-07:00

I wrote a blog in my head the other day... it was called "The Fear,Failure and the Fear of Failure." I often blog in my head. This makes it difficult for you to read them because unfortunately they haven't perfected the technology of mental blogging. Although this is probably good. If everything I thought immediately went into blog form for all to read, I would have been committed 4 years ago! So yes... until then and out of the friendly confines of a mental institution, I will actually blog on my computer rather than in my head.
The weekend was rough, had a bit of a breakdown Saturday night. Thanks to Jennn for listening to me rant and rave for a bit, I was able to relax for a bit today. Joe took the day off, because I had been planning to leave today on a trip to Vermont with a friend, but it fell through at the last moment. After a nice long bath (Lush products... MMMMM!) I said the following words aloud to Joe: "I don't think I'm an actor." This may come as a shock to most of you who have known me for any period of time. Do I think I may still act? Of course! Shoestring is moving in some really great directions, and I still find so much joy in being on a stage. But watching Natalie pursue her passion in the city has made me re-evaluate my own passions. I don't really like the build up to being the center of attention (yes Steve, I told you, SHOCKING!) The being on stage, the actual acting, that I enjoy. But I like seeing it come together from backstage, being the "man behind the curtain" in Oz if you will. If you asked me what my passions are, I love cooking. I love parties. I love cooking for parties. I love throwing parties, I love creating parties. I love shopping for parties. Things that drain the passion straight from my veins? Riding the PATH into the city for an audition. Reading copy or doing a monologue for the 12th time KNOWING I'm not what they're looking for. Showing up for yet ANOTHER Japanese project. The fakeness that goes into the business.
So where does this leave me? 2 of my drama team guys are good enough that one day they may be accepting an Oscar and thanking me. (I hope that doesn't sound as cocky as I feel it does!) Some things are around the corner that may make Memoirs take off. We're FINALLY opening our new building at church. YAY! My own stage! I may go to film school just so I can learn how to properly film things. I have finally found a formula that keeps 10 small children occupied and enjoying themselves. I would like to put that into a book. I enjoy writing. I have a laptop and can go anywhere I like and just sit and type.
So this is where I am. I have felt like a failure for some time now because I haven't been in a feature film and haven't won an Oscar myself yet. But that may not be for me. I'm not saying that I may not change the world by being an actor, but I have long felt that I was not to be an actor in a typical sense. I don't want to brag, but I am a good actor. I know that. But I also know I am not a typical actor. I mean, I'm not a typical person. None of us are really. We have been called to be peculiar people right? Here's to oddity.
On a small side note, if I could be so bold as to ask for prayer, I've finally made a Dr's appointment with a highly reccommended Dr. I was told by her office when I made the appointment that it would be a half an hour appointment with her. This woman is a Christian who is extremely good at what she does and has been reccommended to me by 3 of my friends. We're going to be doing a complete physical as well as exploring any other options as to why I haven't been able to shake this funk. Pray we'll find the best course of action and I'll see some differences in my life. Thanks for sharing my crazy life!

Joy Along the Journey

2008-09-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

So here we are nearly 2 months into my experiment, and some things are indeed better. My eating hasn't changed as much as I'd hoped, tv habits have changed some, but not as much as they should. I have introduced some omega-3 foods into my diet, based on some things I've read, and sure enough, I am noticing a more positive outlook. I am seeing the difference. Joe asked me this morning to remind him of my goal. (we've been sitting down for a filling breakfast together lately, that has been good...) I've finally distilled the goal down to "to give Joe the best me I can give him." He smiled and said he would be praying for that. I took a bit of a shortcut for my 2 books this month since I'm down to the wire for the month... I am in the middle of 3 other books, all very close to the finish, but I read a novel earlier in the month and today finally finished one of the 88 page books Steve got us all for Christmas, "In Our Joy." The book really distills the Christian life pretty well, and at first I was thinking, "yeah yeah, I know all this already." But when I took time to quiet my heart and listen to what God had to speak to me through it, got some real important pieces out of it... I am a fan of distilling words... don't put in tons of extra fluff that's going to confuse me, just give me your point... so here are some points I got out of it..
1: Don't think of striving to get His favor. Think of striving with the favor of His help. 2: Forgiveness of sins and justification are at the bottom of our striving. We do not strive for them. We strive because we have them. 3: The mark of a true follower of Jesus is not yet perfection but rather an unrelenting battle of sin.
I am realizing that I am in many ways a perfectionist. Usually in many of the wrong areas. But my need for perfection is not so God would love me and accept me. That has already happened. I must strive to perfect my love for Him, resting in the knowledge that even that will not be achieved while I am here on earth. Lord move my motivation to you!
On a side note, I started my 'service small group' last night. Cooking classes and dinner thrown in with a short lesson from the Bible. I had 4 teenage girls sign up and a co-worker who is desperate to learn how to cook. (He recently moved in to an apartment with another intern guy so he's worried he'll starve...) and another co-worker whom I wasn't expecting but am excited to get the joy of knowing. Please pray over Trudy, Taylor, Danitra, Chaiylah (Kay-la), Daija (day-ja) and Will. That they may find our home a safe haven and that I would be able to love them as the Lord loves them. Pray also that the Lord comes through with a bigger house soon... including Joe, last night, we squeezed 8 folks around our kitchen table and a couple of tv trays.
Things I learned last night.... Trudy's grandma died before she was born. Most of the other girls have some sort of continuation of family, also ironic that they seemed to respond to the Grandma question singularly. Not sure how many have father's in the picture, let alone a grandma on dad's side... Also, up until recently Chaiylah lived with an aunt. She lived there because her mother had perished in a house fire. Trudy is a ball of energy held back by a huge smile. Her self-proclaimed schedule is sleeping and eating. Anything I mentioned eating she had a sauce or topping that she had to eat it with. An african-american girl, she loves adobo, usually a hispanic seasoning. She is bold, joyful and says 'salt' like a cross between 'soy' and 'salt'-- 'soilit'. Chaiylah is a beautiful spirit, well spoken and willing to participate in anything. She went out to Colorado on a mission trip this year and was touched by a mom from the church's neighborhood who told her that due to a death in the family, she had left the church, but thanks to Chaiyah and the team, she would be coming back to church. She was my last drop off of the night, so I got to hear how injustice towards people bothers her. She told me of reading about Jamaica, where there are so many beautiful resorts but if you go out of the gates, you can be robbed just because someone sees you with something they don't have so they take it. We talked about the devastation in Haiti, and how there was no one to help them. Her heart breaks for those in pain. I'll get photos later and will give you updates on the others later... Just pray. I have a feeling they may be part of my lifeline back to me....

Remember...

2008-09-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

Seven years and 1 week ago I came to this city hoping to make it big. Seven years and two days ago I celebrated my 24th birthday with my brother, my friend Rachel and my 'sort of' boyfriend (soon to be husband) Joe. I marked the day by going to the city, walking through the stores in the basement of the Trade Center with Joe while Steve and Rachel took the elevator to the top to see the amazing view. Seven years ago today, God kept me through one of the hardest days this country has ever endured. Seven years ago today God provided a way home from NYC even though I had no idea even how to get back across the water to Jersey. Seven years ago today I was in the palm of God's hand. Though seven years later now, so much has changed, I am still in the palm of God's hand. I have been planning to write more about my journey, but today is not the day. Today is the day simply to remember that He is God, I am not, and despite my crazy world, it is still His world and He is still in control. Pray for the families that still ache, the cities that are healing and the salvation of the nations. (thanks for the thoughts Steve...)

The Good, The Bad and the Very Ugly

2008-08-22T05:50:00.000-07:00

I've gone through nearly 2 weeks of my 12 week adventure. There were definately some highlights. I stuck to my eating plan for a week and finally go to reward myself with a new lunchbox. Therefore I've been taking my lunch with me to work more this week. I went to the big, nice shoprite downtown to get groceries so I actually had choices rather than the same-olds I get at Food Basics. That has livened up my diet a bit this week (veggie burgers anyone?) And then there was the weekend out at Flemington visiting the fam. Missy is in from across the pond, Caylee and Lys got baptized at their church, which we got to see, and Speedy got to play with his new cousins, Murphy the baby pug and Oliver the frenchbulldog. There was the (minorly) bad, though too. I knew we would be having cake, so I did indulge in a small piece, and when everyone was roasting marshmallows, I had 2 instead of 10 like I usually would. So even though that's technically "bad" insofar as my food intake is concerned, I'm learning to moderate. In fact, had I wrote this post on Monday as I'd planned, the title would have been "everything in moderation". But then this week came the very ugly. All week I've just felt on the edge, headed for a breakdown, and last night it came. We had planned to film some pieces for a skit they are doing on Sunday, 6 shots total, 3 of them 20 second face shots of nothing but the subject looking at the camera. The other 3 shots were 45 second vignettes that required no sound, and will eventually be turned into black and white. I wanted to shoot before rehearsal, but due to life groups, had to shoot after at 10. They ended up not showing up til 10.15 and we didn't start shooting til near 10.45. But all the while they're getting things ready, I'm trying to think things through. I have 2 munchkins who need to get home right away once they're done and I don't have a guy I need for my third shot. I finally excuse myself to go outside and cry. One of my leaders came out because she knew I was close to crashing, and she just sat next to me as I cried. We finally started talking, and she said "Don't let this get you discouraged. The problem is deeper than this." Which it was. I'm used to the craziness at my church. We plan major productions in 2 weeks wih no sleep. We're working on the set right up until the doors open (which is usually late). But that's not me. I lived in a rodeo hall in Texas for a month running the ATF show til we could do it in our sleep. By the time we got to the end of the tour, we could set up the whole thing in 8 hours. I'm used to a different kind of excellence, thus I feel like I don't fit here. My leader kept saying, "this is where you belong. This is your home." And I kept sobbing "then why don't I fit here?" Of course, one of my little guys chose last night to finally bring me the Narnia Song from Switchfoot:
I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was. I believe you now, I've come too far, no I can't go back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known. This is home. Now I'm finally where I belong. Where I belong. Yeah this is home. I've been searching for a place of my own now I've found that maybe this is home. Yeah this is home.
Relief over misery. I've seen the enemy. And I won't go back, back to how it was. And I've got my heart set on what happens next, I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet. We're miracles, and we're not alone. Yeah this is home, now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found that maybe this is home. Yeah this is home.
And now after all my searching after all my questions, I'm gonna call it home. I've got a brand new mindset. I can finally see the sunset. I'm gonnna call it home.
Whoa, this is home. Now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home. I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found that maybe this is home. This is home. Now I know. Yeah this is home.
I've come too far. And I won't go back, yeah this is home.

I think that's the root of what these 12 weeks is about. I desperatly want to find "home". It's not a place, it's not a house. It's an intangible feeling that I know I belong. Maybe that's why I haven't been myself for the last few years. I've seen the enemy here tightening his hold on everything around me and I've not found where I can feel "home". So I haven't had a good place to fight back from. So I've rolled over and let him win. So as you follow me through these next 10 weeks, I know there have been comments of support for which I am so greatful, I just need more of that. Please. If you read my blog. No matter where you are (i've looked at my site feed...where ARE you people?!? It said India for someone....) please pray that I can find home first within myself, that I will make my heart a home worthy of the Lord, and that He will bless us with a home.

When the Going Gets Tough...

2008-08-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

... This toughie usually eats ice cream. Not so today! But I could totally kill for some organic honey. Last night and this morning Joe asked me if I wanted tea (last night) and coffee (this morning)... Yes on both counts but no because I have become very fond of light and sweet on both counts. So yes, I am struggling, but I am determined. PRAY!! I am typing this on my black berry so that I don't think about the fact that there is a vending machine right across the laundry mat. And since I come here all the time the guy is nice to me and usually slips me a pack of peanut m&ms. I am practicing saying "lo siento. No permiso. " that's my broken Spanish of sorry, not allowed. Pray against the lovely m&m man!!!

And So It Begins

2008-08-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

My prep week wasn't that good. I was moody, felt terrible and ate whatever I wanted, including all the wrong things. Today is presenting itself as more of the same. We didn't go to bed until 2am last night because we'd committed to picking up the Colorado team from the airport. They were originally scheduled to get in at 11pm, but lovely delays from weather, and yeah... I'm getting a bit of a late start but my day isn't as hectic as it usually could be so I'm taking it bit by bit. Had a great long afternoon with a friend last week, and told her about this plan, and her question for me was why did I want to be a different person. And that made me think some, I think it's more about being the best me that I can rather than being a different person. So that's what I'm meditating on for now. And I'm concentrating on not beating up myself for mistakes. I've given myself so little room for error before that I would end up going off the deep end if something went minutely wrong. So that's where I am today. Been watching the Olympics, so strangely, I'm feeling a bit more like anything is possible (props to the men's relay team). Also, I have been encouraged by Jennn (props for sticking to your goals while on vacay! Enjoy the time). And welcome home to Steve when he finally wakes up today. Those first couple of days home after camp are always a bit rough. We'll make it through together!
My stomach is starting to growl, so I'm going to grab some non-sugared breakfast! Keep praying folks!

12 Weeks

2008-08-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

There's this sign down at our gym advertising a q&a session with a body builder lady who, according to the add, "changed her life" in 14 weeks. Now, I don't think she was huge to begin with, but I know she wasn't ripped like that. So I got to thinking, what could I do in a short span of time? 14 weeks is just over 3 months, so I shortened it to 12 weeks, which is 3 months. 3 months from next Monday is the day after my 6th wedding anniversary. (yeah, re-read that to make sure you got that right.) After speaking via e-mail with Angela, watching Danisia, and supporting Jennn, I've decided to see what I can do with myself, body, mind and spirit over the next 12 weeks. I'm using this week as a prep week, cleaning out cupboards and the fridge, planning meals. I'll start with a week or 2 of a sugar detox (only allowing natural sugars through fruits and such...) to try and weaken the hold my sweet tooth has on my life. I'm detoxing on the tv, using my DVR to its fullest, allowing myself to watch only the news and glenn in real time. I'll catch up on shows on the weekends when I can buzz through commercials. With admiration of Steve, I'm going to try and match his 2 books a month (FINALLY finished my way through the 5 1/2 book series of Hitchhikers Guide this weekend - homage to you, Nat!) I'm going to try and focus on being a better wife, a better friend, a better woman of God. I know. I've tried this before. I've given up before. I can't say I won't want to give up now. But as before, I know that the only thing holding me back from my destiny is me. So I can sit around and mope about getting old, or I can just kick my own butt and do it. We're having a big family thanksgiving in Ohio due to a new Boyd arrival in December, so that will be my marker. Will I show up at thanksgiving the same old mopey me? Or will I have some new breakthroughs to be thankful for. Here goes nothing!

Pay it Forward

2008-07-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes...Monday was nuts... off to therapy, then to the gym, then by Ebony's then by Jennn's then to groceries then to Chris'.... etc.. (this is sounding a bit like Jenni's post..) Tuesday, on my way to work got stopped on the road right next to what I'm assuming was a drug bust. (I dunno, there was a van in the middle of the road, a guy in handcuffs who didn't seem to bright and the cops were plain clothes...so just an assumption.)
But then yesterday. Got clearance from the doc to only go to therapy once a week as long as I'm going to the gym (less stress on the wallet!) And recognized that there were some things yesterday on the to-do list that just weren't going to get done. I crossed off those extra things without guilt and did what I could. So I'm standing in the never ending line at the post office waiting to pick up my package, where of course there is only one teller (and 4 other empty windows for tellers..) and there's a woman a few people back who just needs one stamp. She has fifty cents, but alas, in the renovation, they've removed the stamp machine so she must stand in the horribly long line for one stamp. The gentleman in front of me picks up his package, and then proceeds to buy one stamp. I, of course, being a student of human behavior, picked up on this and watched to see what would happen. The woman was 2 people behind me. As the gentleman walked away and I stepped up to the window, he leaned across the divider and slid the stamp to the woman with a smile and a nod. I live in Jersey City. Things like this don't happen. You're more likely to see the scene I witnessed at the drive through at Dunkin this morning, where an irate customer, angry at having to sit in the drive through lane for more than 2 minutes honked her horn to alert the woman at the window, demanded napkins and snatched them out of the worker's hands. All while sitting in her comfortable Lexus.
Joey downloaded Switchfoot's new album for me from itunes, and I'm beginning to think that perhaps the American Dream that I've been striving for should look a little more like yesterday's experience and less like today's... Thoughts?

Maybe...Just maybe....

2008-06-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

Jennn is getting antsy for a new post, so here goes....
I am becoming more aware how little tweaks in my environment affect my mood and outlook on things. This might seem common sense to some and ludicrous to others. But I shall explain. Today marked my first foray back into real life. I put in 7 hours at the office, made a cake to celebrate The Third (an office-mate), did payroll, caught up my to do list, reassured my boss that I do indeed have everything under control, and then went off to drama practice to get my crew ready for the night of one acts (which is of course in two weeks. Was supposed to be in one, but I've begged for a stay of execution to allow me more time to prep!) But back to the tweaks. Tonight, instead of me having to come home alone, Joe has changed his life group to Thursdays, so we came home together, so I got to ride instead of drive. The heat wave has broken a little bit, so the night air was cool through the open windows of the truck. The salsa music blaring from the truck ahead of us was so muted that it was almost quaint. And since we successfully filmed one of the 2 commercials for said upcoming NOOA, I was feeling good about getting something accomplished. All my shorts were dirty from the weekend o' celebration for my dad, so I decided to forgo my brace and wear the new pair of jeans I hadn't worn yet. (got them the day before surgery... hello?? totally spaced on the fact that I wouldn't be able to wear normal clothes for quite some time...) They fit great, and it helps that I swiped one of Joe's comfy t-shirts. Might live in this for the next couple of days. So with all that said, all those lovely things aligning all together, topped off by the fact that the city FINALLY paved the area of Summit Ave around the Square so I no longer feel like I'm off roading just to get home, I looked around me and thought, "maybe I can live in this city after all."

Really?

2008-05-20T05:39:00.001-07:00

The spare tire was stolen off my jeep last night. While parked on the quiet side street next to my building. At the top of the block where 4 streets intersect. Under a streetlight that has been out for months. Really? Joe has been saying that a lot lately, with a very sarcastic bent to it. We had gone out to the Poconos Saturday and Sunday to have some quiet before the surgery. While out there, Joe made the comment that he wanted the weekend to be a first step towards getting back to myself. I've been so fearful, so in need of control lately that I jump at my own shadow. And we had a great time. I read, worked on my creative play lesson plans which will eventually become a book, and just generally relaxed. It was wonderful. And then on the way home, it couldn't make it's mind up if it wanted to be rainy or sunny, so it was both. I said, as we turned a corner, "Should be a rainbow somewhere." Now despite what that beautiful symbol has come to stand for in the last 20 years, I still see the rainbow as a representation of God's promises to me. Not just that He won't destroy the world by flood again, but that He keeps his promises. As we played tag through the trees with it, the rainbow appeared to be very vivid at times and faint at others. I assumed this was due to the varying amounts of sun. Imagine my joy when we came to a clearing and saw that it was a double rainbow that seemed to be touching down on one of the golf courses we'll be playing with dad in 2 weeks. Kind of an inside joke between God and me. Double His promises, double His blessings and a golf course to boot. And then today. But as everything raged inside me this morning, "How dare they! Is there no safety and security left in my neighborhood? It was probably some crackhead who sold it so they could buy more drugs!" I was then reminded of a newsletter from a friend who works in Newark, in a much worse neighborhood than mine. He tells the story of coming to Newark to visit his grandfather, to essentially get his grandfather to give up the crazy idea of ministering in Newark. In the midst of talking to his grandfather, they come upon a crackhead on their doorstep, bleeding from her head from a fall. My friend watches as his grandfather cleans up this woman and then sends her to a shelter. But that's not the part of the story that stuck in my head this morning. A year or so later, after Danny has responded to the call and is doing amazing things in Newark, who should he find on his doorstep but that same crackhead, bloody and near unconsciousness. He follows in his grandfather's footsteps reminded that but for some different circumstances, it could be him, bleeding and strung out. I have built for myself an invisible prison of safety and security. I told myself that I could live in this neighborhood as long as we didn't get robbed or our house broken into. Our old car, the Geo Metro, Herbie, was broken into twice. It hurt at the time, but now we laugh about it. Today it's not so easy to laugh. Funny, I can almost feel the war of Romans 7 almost playing itself out in me. I so want to say, "it's only stuff. God is bigger. I'm ok. He's still in control." But the other side is screaming, "God! Why did you come make me live here with THESE people. The crackheads and people who have no decency or self control, who care more about their clothes and their ride than their neighborhood, people who steal other peoples tires!" And so I see that God's double blessing hasn't left (ironically, once we got back on the freeway on the way home, there was a remnant of the rainbow in the sky until it got dark. God's promises are just as true in the city as they are in the country.) His blessing hasn't left because He hasn't left. He brought me here. I know that. And my security isn't in me being able to provide all my needs, but in Him providing. My safety isn't in a car alarm that would alert me to the crackheads, but that He hasn't let me be harmed since I've been here. To quote a president, the only thing I have to fear is fear itself, and the word says that perfect love drives out fear. Pray with me today that perfect love wins.

New Horizons

2008-05-18T07:50:00.001-07:00

So with the surgery looming on Thursday, we headed out to the Poconos just for a day since we won't be able to come out again til Dad's big birthday weekend. It's so quiet here. Joe called me out on the deck this morning to see a deer staring at us from the hill behind the house. Maybe 200 yards away. (speedy was going nuts, tried to crawl under the deck gate!) This time, when we got in the car to come out, there wasn't the usual pressure of "get there, get there..." stress over traffic, worrying about Speedy. (he still puked in the car, but neither Joe or I got really angry over it.) Lately, I've been trying to walk and sit without hunching my shoulders, hold my head a little higher, stress a little less. It feels good. I've been asking myself some tough questions. If I never get to act again, will I be ok with that? Am I satisfied to write as long as it's providing us a secure income? Can I be secure in what God has, rather than what I feel I must provide? Jennn made a comment recently that got me thinking. She told me I wasn't satisfied with where I was. That I was always wanting more. Some of it comes from being a slight perfectionist, but lately I've been meditating on Philippians 4. One of the few things I can meditate on because I actually memorized it. Paul says: "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation." I need to learn that secret. And I need to distinguish in my mind that being content with where I am doesn't mean not striving for who God wants me to be, nor does it mean that I'm being complacent and lazy. It means I'm ok as I am. I'm seeking the Lord, I'm asking for His direction and trying to follow it. I don't need to know what the one hundredth step is going to be. I need to simply step in the next footstep of God I see. This bit of revelation could be due to the fact that there was an Indiana Jones marathon on last night (we watched the end of Temple of Doom and then Last Crusade) And though I fell asleep through my favorite part (where he steps off onto the invisible bridge... the most amazingly spiritual cinematography I've ever seen!) It reminded me that though I may see the Knight on the other side and know I want to go there, I must take that terrifying first step into nothingness to get there. I think for the last 2 years I've been pacing back and forth on the ledge, debating about the step, reasoning out the step, theorizing about the other side and the Knight and the choice about the cup of Christ when I finally get there. Now it's time to take the step. Yes? I think my all time favorite movie line comes from the end of that movie too. After the Nazi guy drinks from the ornate gold cup and shrivels up and dies, the Knight looks at Indy and the chick and says simply: "He chose...... Poorly." Oh to be Indy and choose wisely. But first to that step....

Freedom to Change. Or not.

2008-05-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

So lately I've been feeling a bit more free. Could be that Academy is finally done for the school year, or that ASC is winding down, or perhaps that the days are getting longer and warmer. Or it could be that I've felt a bit more free to share my feelings with some folks who have been in my life for a while, but I've never really let them know what was happening in my head. Both of them made comments to the effect of "That's going on inside you? I had no idea, you hide it so well!" Well maybe I'm done hiding. It's not really that much has changed as far as the battle fronts that I've been fighting on. I'm still struggling with how to handle the drama team and be an actress at the same time. I'm still struggling with my weight and how to be happy in who I am right now. (I accuse Joe all the time of not loving me as I am and waiting for me to change, but I'm doing the same thing to myself.) But I don't feel as guilty for having a lazy day. Or saying "no, I can't do that today." On the other hand, I've got more ideas in my head for the start of books. Steve came up to visit and we played card games and board games til midnight. I'm going to the Poconos this weekend. And it all feels good. I can exist like this. Yes, I'll continually be striving for more, and yes, there are big things on the horizion (try coordinating a Night of One Acts from a sick bed... i dare ya!) But I will be ok. In less than a week, I'll be having my surgery finally. I'll be laid up from usual activities for at least 4 months, but after that, the sky is the limit. I am my own limit, and I would love to make sure that I am limitless. Are you?

The Dark Side

2008-04-12T19:54:00.001-07:00

No star wars jokes here... feeling a little down and need to process. Tonight was the second half of our New City production, our annual spring fundraiser. Last night was over at the office, with all the ASC kids in tow and a 3 advil headache to sleep off. Tonight, after teaching all morning, trying to unwind with the Masters, I headed out to North Haledon for the second show. I got a really late start after arguing with Quickbooks for far too long and was stressed about it. The show was amazing, we had a far better turn out than we've ever had there, and I'm sure once I look at the pledge cards tomorrow, it will have been a sucessful weekend. North Haledon is closer to where most of our donors are and while it's a nice area, you have to go through Paterson to get there, which is a not so nice area. So while driving home, I was just overcome with frustration. I begged God to tell me why He won't let me leave the city. I'm so desperate for a house of my own, but I hesitate to actually buy anywhere in Jersey City because that will tie me here. I'm tired of horrible drivers, angry people and lack of parking. I'm tired of streetlights that shine in my window at night, I'm tired of groups hanging on the corner, tired of wondering if I'm going to have to deal with crap just to get to my house. I'm tired of not having enough cupboards to store my tupperware. I'm tired of my living room being my office, my family room, my library. I'm tired of my dog not being able to be off his leash except at the dog run, where he's harrased indignantly by ill-behaved dogs (if you catch my innuendo...) I'm tired of having to sit on my toilet (using it or not) just so to enjoy a serene patch of grass. I'm tired of litter, too many keys and alarm systems. I'm tired of murder, telling homeless I don't have any change and corruption in the system. I'm tired of lack of decency, lack of kindness and lack of tact. I keep trying to try again. Tonight I can't try anymore....
Sorry to be a downer. Thanks for listening.

Superchick and the Tao of Life

2008-04-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

Jennn, thanks for reminding me...
I have long since decided that Superchick lyrics are some of the most encouraging and uplifting, to myself at least. There's One Girl Revolution for those days I want to kick butt and take names, Let It Be for when I'm feeling particularly beat up and Help Me Out God for those days when I just need to make it through til the next morning. But lately, the song ringing in my head is Get Up. Because of course, after I made my determination last week, I had a particularly rough one. Surgery is a definate, Ray's progress is going backwards and I've had the most desperate longings for a house of my own since I've moved here, all while struggling to make ends meet this week. But each day is not about building on the success of the day before or letting its failures hang over your head the minute it leaves the pillow. The word of God says "take up your cross daily." It's about Ray's verse. Each day has enough trouble of its own. I can't go back and fix yesterday's flubs, at least in the sense of making it like they never happened. I simply have another oportunity to try again today.
If I get up I might fall back down again, so let's get up c'mon. If I get up might fall back down again, we get up anyway. But we'll just jump and see even if it's the 20th (30th, 40th...) time, we'll just jump and see if we can fly.
Oh that today is the day I fly!

Determined to Hope

2008-03-31T06:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as we walked up the stairs to the house after church, I told Joe, "I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time today." "About what?" he asked. "Just hopeful," I said. Could be that the sun had shone for 2 days in a row, as today it's a bit greyer and I'm having difficulty getting started... But more than that, I thought of the title phrase yesterday, and while it's written in the past tense, I like to use it more in the present tense (although I hesitated writing this because I'm not quite sure it's a word, or at least the proper usage of it...) I am determining to hope. I am making an active choice that I am no longer going to allow myself to be turned on the whims of other people. I'm tired of living in on a bubble. My life is going to be what I'm going to make of it, and I'd like to make it pretty good. Now, of course, after that determination, today is grey, I'm sleepy and just want to spend all day on my computer with Headline News and the Food Network blaring on the big screen. But I'm realizing that God has been telling me our TV is one of my biggest bubble-blowers. I'm not the type of person to say "ARGGG TV IS EVIL....KILL THE TVS....NEVER WATCH TV AGAIN.' But I need to make choices. I can be alone with my thoughts, read and actually understand Thoreau, write the plays and stories I've had ideas for, or I can let my mind have it's way and zone into CNN. I choose life. I choose the red pill... (a random matrix reference, but who knows if that's actually the pill I think I mean...) Along the same lines, after we had just come in the house, I had JUST made my statement to Joe, I was using the bathroom so we could call Steve to sing a horribly off key version of Happy Birthday to him (33 on Sunday WOO HOO!!!) when he beat me to the punch. He called, and while my bro is a wonderful, well rounded man of God, he doesn't really cry much (that I've seen) but with tears in his voice, he told me about our buddy Big Ray. Big Ray who is the most hopeful, jovial, loving man I've met. Big Ray who now is facing cancer all throughout his body. I struggled momentarily. I don't know what to do. The Presbyterian in me says "Make a casserole". I'm 500 miles away. Casseroles won't work. Joe gave me a big hug and said, "all we can do is pray. he can still be completely healed." I know this. Mentally, I know this. In my heart, I doubt. So, recognizing that this is a test, I will finish my post, close my computer, drink my coffee and go live life to it's fullest in this grey day. And I will be determined to hope. I will hope for Ray, I will hope for my knee (P/T starts today...) I will hope for the new structures I've laid out for my drama team that we will no longer function like a bobble headed doll, saying "yes" to everything and getting no where. I will hope for this city that I alternately loathe and love. And I will live. Because tomorrow isn't promised. I have today to worry about... Ray's favorite verse is Matthew 6.34 "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Please join me in praying for Big Ray. And today, LIVE. Live for Ray, live for me, live for God, live for you. LIVE

Living in on a Bubble

2008-03-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

I've been stuck on the couch. Strep throat and now found out that the knee not only has a torn MCL which may heal on it's own, the ACL is indeed torn (had thought it wasn't... but oh well) and I will probably need surgery. But life on the couch has led to many hours of Headline News (I know.... but Robin is just so perky!) and surfing the web. Which has led me to a couple of new things. Facebook. Yeah, I spend way too much time on it, but it has led to some awesome re-connections with folks I haven't talked to for a while. And I've come up with new blog I like to read. A Running Commentary is by a friend of mine (and Steve's...) But reading his blog today made me really think. Steve and I both have known Chris always to be intelligent and passionate about what he believes, and in reading some of his posts it is obvious that he studies his subjects so that he can write clearly and effectively about them. But it made me wonder is there something out there that I am so passionate about that I would be that in depth? Steve used to drive me nuts making me listen to these crazy loud bands and say, "the drummer on this one use do be the lead singer here, but got together with the guitarist from that band..." Yeah, you see how much I remember about those things. Steve was always the smart one, and he always seemed to know so much about so many things. He remembers sports things, golf holes, golf scores, scripture and family events. I know when I have a question that needs clarification, he'll be the one with the answer.
But as for my title. Yes, I know I used both "in" and "on" where a normal person would choose just one of the two. But I will say, in the words of the doctor who took my temperature in the 5th grade. Who ever told me I'm normal? I'm not. So I didn't. In the midst of March Madness, indeed any sports stretch, "On the bubble" refers to having one's destiny be up in the air, yet to be decided by future things (and often other people) with the end result being favorable and hopeful or disastrous. Living "in a bubble" on the other hand, is the Pollyanna mindset that refuses to see any problems or difficulties other than one's own, certain that no one else in the world actually exists except in contact with ones self.
Yeah, so why do I feel that way. I feel like I've been living without living. Going about my daily life without going outside my boundaries. But instead of having the usual obliviousness that comes with living in a bubble, I have been waiting for other things outside of my control to decide my destiny. Maybe a bit like a ball in a pinball machine. It stays inside the machine, never doing anything other than the things that are inside the machine for it to do, but never quite deciding on it's own where it will go, but waiting to be flung around by the flippers.
Now, this rant could be fueled by the cold medicine I'm using to breathe properly right now, but I'm kind of tired of not knowing where my next step is going to be. Not that I'm not waiting on the Lord for what His will is, but am I passionate about nothing? Is there nothing out there that I wouldn't devote hours of my time to just so that I could know all there is to know about it? Is there nothing I would stand for so strongly that I would fight for it? As I type, I'm listening to talk radio and there is yet another woman on the show spouting the same old bumper sticker platitudes about a particular candidate, and I find myself almost waking up from a stupor, thinking "that's what I sound like". Not about a political candidate, although I am questioning what I actually think about our current president's policies and how I'll vote this November (thanks Chris) But about my life. There's a line in Dead Poet's Society "You're right. Carpe Diem. Even if it kills me." And of course, the traditional opening of the meeting of the dead poet's society from Thoreau "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." I think I am slowly discovering that I have not lived, not for a while. I've been existing and subsiding on that which has been handed to me. I think I did live at one point, but there has been such a fear that has come and I've stopped living because it was safer, neater, easier. To suck the marrow out of something can't be neat. I'm assuming it is a messy endeavor. But I think I've let the 'how' hold me back. I've let the 'how' kill me. I need to realize that indeed, even if it kills me I need to 'carpe diem'. So if you've got ideas on the 'how' leave a comment. But above all, join me in a barbaric YAWP and suck the marrow out of life. I'd love stories of how you're doing just that...

Who I Be

2008-03-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

I wrote this piece the other night when I couldn't sleep. After passing it by Steve & Jennn, I was advised to put it out there. It will eventually be a performed spoken word piece, so when you read it, think that way....Would love any feedback....

As I
Lay in bed
I listen as cars drive by
As they bump by
They thump by
Bumpin their tunes
Broadcasting the news of
Who they be
And how they see
Themselves
And I get to wondering, how bout me
Who I be,
And how do you see me

I lay there thinking on the edge of sleeping and waking
And I think for a moment I almost catch a glimpse of me
How you see me
And I see
Perfection

But then
In the next take
I see every mistake
Every scar every mess
Every time I regret as I look back and see
Who I be
And I wonder what they see when they see me
As I be
Do they see eyes of fear
Hesitant hands
Sealed lips
When the only thing they wish for is the drip
Drop of your blood to come and set them free
But instead they get me
And not you, not your love, not your words
That will comfort when they fear
How do I be
Like you
In every way every word every thought every deed
When all I need
All I want is to be not me, but you
I want them to see not me but you
Not who I be, not who I am
But the Great I Am
In me
Instead of
Who I be

Burying in Vain

2008-03-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

So the past couple of nights, Speedy has been taking great pains to return to his primal roots while maintaining his posh urban lifestyle. Since he can no longer jump up on our bed in the middle of the night, he's been attempting to bury his favorite bone all around the house, usually before he'll let himself (or us) lay down for the night. Last night, he decided to bury it in the recently unpacked toiletry bag right next to the bed:

Now, you may have noticed it was very easy for me to "uncover" his bone. He also has taken to burying himself as well:

He is not so easy to uncover all the time. But the point of this rambling is that how often I try to bury my problems and my feelings and it's usually in vain. And how often I bury who I really am, and that's not so easy to find when it's been buried for a while. Once again, I look at Speedy and I see myself. So I think I'll take a cue from him and chill out for a while.

The List

2008-03-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

I've been asked to see the list. So here it is... 30 things that I want to do while I'm 30... 1: Hit my goal weight (135) 2: Complete the Flemington Triathalon (this will actually be completed when I'm 31, but the training will happen while I'm 30) 3: Ride in a helicopter 4: Try surfing (take a lesson) 5: Go to a country I've never been in before 6: Be in a major film or TV show 7: Take Joey on a suprise vacation (surprise! I busted my leg...) 8: take a gourmet cooking class 9: Take a Wilton cake decorating class series 10: Produce a major play at Hope Center 11: Write a movie 12: Break 100 (in golf for the non-golfers) 13: Fly somewhere first class 14: Graduate Speedy from obedience classes 15: Ride the Central Park carriages 16: Attend a major golf event (not a Major golf event, just something with some big names..) 17: go on a cruise 18: pursue getting an agent 19: Karioke 20: go see a taping of a show in NYC (Rachel Ray or Martha) 21: Drive cross country the senic way 22: Go on a leaf watching trip 22: Hear jazz at the Blue Note, Birldand, Irridium or somewhere like that 24: Go to a yankees game 25: go see a Christmas show at Radio City (yeah, this will have to wait til 31 as well...) 26: go to the circus at MSG 27: Re-establish contact with one old friend 28: Go to Hershey PA 29: make our own wine 30: make a scrapbook of it all (jen, this is where you come in!!)
So there you have it... 30 things to accomplish. I've done #22, #7 and #20. I've got some work to do... so hopefully my knee will be back to form soon and I can get busy. (Jen, for pics of my vermont expolits, I'll hook you up with facebook. I've got everything posted there...)

Dashboard Confessional

2008-02-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

I'm a sucker for teen pop. Catchy, overhyped, bouncy, cheesy, corny teen pop. I'm taking Joe on a vacation this weekend. Fulfilling yet another one of my 30 @ 30 list (by the way, you could see my back on Wednesday's Rachel Ray with Joan Allen, we taped a couple of episodes while we were there, so keep an eye out for the episode with Jessie Martin from Law & Order, he spent the whole interview looking at me and Chris' sister Toni, so I think we'll be heavily in that episode.. #20 fulfilled!!) Anywho, so I'm going all out for this... Joe guessed where we're going (Stratton, VT) but I was putting together an itunes playlist entitled "Roadtrip"to surprise him. 6.5 hours of hyper, fun, catchy songs that will keep us both awake on the drive. One of the songs I wanted to download however was a song that Joey angrily flipped off on the way home from the Poconos last week.... See You Again by Miley Cyrus. Now I wish I was original and fantabulous like Natalie (who knew Colbie Caillat was awesome way before the rest of the world heard "Bubbly".) Now, granted, as I'm letting this playlist roll while I'm typing the blog, A Strange Education by the Cinematics is playing, but that is clearly one of Joe's downloads (a single of the week that he deemed worthy enough to actually download.) And also on the list by my choice are such classics as Take it Easy from the Eagles, and of course Sweet Home Alabama (strangely, we're driving north not south, but still, its a 'dance in the car' song none the less, the criteria for this list) But I must admit, that with 30 seconds left on the Cinematics song, I've just fast forwarded to "Where is the Love" from the Black Eyed Peas, featuring Justin Timberlake. Yes. That Justin Timberlake. I know there is a fixed musical theory that goes into making a "hit" song that is predictable as the next boy band. And I love feeling cool that the number 2 preset in the Jeep is the last public jazz station in the country. I pride myself on my diversity of interests when it comes to music. But when I set out on the road for long periods of time, I just want a good, bubble-gum pop song to get me through. I know this is a closet obsession, but I know I must not be alone... so pony up! What is your favorite guilty pleasure song of all time??? Show me the love ya'll, Take it Easy, let the Sweet Emotion flow, jump in your Fast Car, 'cause Life is a Highway and I was Born to Be Wild. (bonus points for anyone who knows the artists on all these!)

Shameless Plug

2008-02-25T10:42:00.000-08:00

So we were out at the Poconos house for Saturday and Sunday with some dear friends (who were celebrating the first big trip away together since their triplets were born) and Joe was showing Diana the website for Rhythmik_life. And I realized, it's been re-launched for about a month, but I haven't really let anyone know.... so
THE WEBSITE IS RELAUNCHED!!! CHECK IT OUT!! HALF-PRICE SPECIALS ON ITEMS!!!! YAY!! Rhythmik_life.
Please feel free to pass this news around on every single social network you're involved in. I have a ton of shirts in my closet that need to be sold!! And as soon as we eithier find or buy a new camera cord, we'll have accessory pictures up. Check it out!!!!
RHYTHMIK_life

Computer Demons

2008-02-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

So Jenn finished her response to the meme, I'm trying to check on Steve to see if he's done it yet, but for some reason, even though I am online (thus typing a post) my computer randomly decides that I'm not on the internet for certain sites. And then there are the times when it will randomly freeze up just because I don't have what it thinks is enough memory. Even though it's eating all the memory uselessly. Yeah. So there's tons of other things in my mind right now, we had Battlecry over the weekend, I'm hoping to go to Ikea tonight, and I need to go babysit Adriel. I think my brian is having a memory shortage. That happen to anyone else??

ACK! I'M IT!

2008-02-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

So I was tagged by Natalie. And since I don't want tiny leprechauns to rapel out of my nose, I will attempt to follow the rules as quickly and wonderfully as possible. I will give one quick caveat. I'm new to this blogging thing, and not many people read it, so I don't have 6 folks to tag back... I will tag the two names on my list. Hopefully that will stave off the leprechauns.
Next... I had to actuallly google the term "meme" and this is what I found: MEME Yeah, so here are the rules I'm supposed to include:
(1)Link to the person who tagged you...check (2) Post the rules on your blog..doing that.. check. (3) Share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself... see below... check. (4) Tag six random peope at the end of your post by linking to their blogs...well, see the previous caveat and then....check. And (5) let the random people know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their website....check.
Six quirky things bout me....
1: I have inherited my mom's love of interesting socks. Along with all the other things she's given me, I find fun socks nearly irresistable at the stores. Right now in fact I'm pairing my stripey ones with my pointy steve madden heels, my drama team calls this my wicked witch of the west look. (thanks Nat for this idea... good luck with the care bear heads not being morbid...)
2: I assign random quirky things to everything I need to remember. I had to walk my boss through my process of receipting things here at New City, and he kept coming up with all these questions to which my answer was "Well, I just know". Yeah, like how I use the customer name for the Nagel's without the extra space in it because it drives me nuts. Or how I know we have to go on the Turnpike going North to get home because I always feel like we should go South, so therefore it's the opposite of what I feel. Yeah, doesn't make sense but in my head it does.
3: Rush Limbaugh's voice is soothing to me. Drives my boss absolutely nuts, but when I'm sitting at my desk, I need to have Rush on during his show. I suppose I listen subconsciously, but there's something about the tone of his voice that's soothing while I'm here at work. He's talking right now about the WV caucuses which reminds me I have to go vote today.
4: I love it when I master new things and can put them into action. Yup, makes me feel powerful and smart. Notice my liberal use of links today. I was so bummed the other night when I did my last post because I was using Joey's mac and it wouldn't let me have the option to make links. I went back and edited the post today just so I could point you in the right direction to read about the body divot. WOO HOO! Powerful AND smart! This also applies to any report that needs run in Quickbooks. I just now figured out how to toggle back and forth into the non-profit edition. Showed it off to my boss today. Yup, powerful AND smart.
5: I secretly want to grow up and be Rachael Ray. I don't think she actually went to a culinary school, but her recipes are DELISH! She gets to travel, cook, be on tv and she's so much fun. Yeah, would love to be her. And thanks to my amazing friend Chris, we're going to see her on the 20th of February. That's one of the things on my 30 at 30 list to cross off. SWEET!
6: I REALLY REALLY REALLY like ice cream cake. So much so in fact that I made one myself this weekend for the superbowl party. It was in the shape of a football. Chocolate ice cream on top then chocolate syrup then crunched up cookie pieces then dulce de leche sauce then cookies and cream ice cream. Covered it all with more cookie pieces then drew laces on with gel icing. SOOOOO YUMMY and SOOOO AWESOME! Chocolate is wonderful, and I like brownies but man, you could so totally get me to do pretty much anything for ice cream cake.
So I think I did it... let me tag these people.
Steveuf
Jenn Bishop
Yay! This was fun. Thanks Nat!

To-do Lists and Age Lines

2008-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

My mom was (and presumably still is) a list maker. I hated them. It seemed like there was a pile of things on the paper that could never be completely accomplished in the little time I had to do them. (I usually had ample time at the start, I would just put things off until there was minimal time left. Hmmm I still do that...) But as I've gotten older and lived on my own, I think I'm becoming more of a list maker than my mom. There is nothing more satisfying than getting up knowing that there are things that I must accomplish that day, and having the little check boxes next to them that I can cross off. Most days I don't get to all the check boxes. On the rare days I do, I do a happy dance in my mind. My list for this weekend is ambitious. Joe is off to the Poconos with his bro. It was supposed to include the guys in Joe's life group as well, but they all bailed on him. It's probably better, Joe needs some time with his brother. He's been talking about doing something like this forever. So, of course, this is the weekend we're hosting a superbowl party on Sunday, and of course I have to teach most of the day on Saturday as well as oversee a bake sale/empanada sale to finish raising the money for our trip to Battlecry next weekend. I have my own life group tomorrow, I'm attempting to get to the pool twice a week to practice swimming so that I don't drown during the triathalon in September, and I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to get all of this stuff done. I even have a list of 30 things I want to do while I'm 30. I think I have one thing crossed off of it. So I have a lot of planning to do... While I was sitting at the computer earlier printing out recipes for Sunday (yes, I promised Joe I'd keep it easy, which for me is only 5 courses instead of 7...thanks for that one too, mom!) I started flipping through this old photo album we keep in the cubby next to the desk. It's mostly from our honeymoon and from our first Christmas. I was talking to a dear friend the other day about the craziness in my head about wanting to feel fabulous and only feeling like a failure. And I looked at those pictures and thought, how beautiful I was then. But did I think that as I was experiencing them. Or, like now, did I feel frumpy and out of place. Will I look back in 5 years on pictures of me now and wonder why I didn't relish the lack of age lines on my face (yet again, thanks mom!) will I wonder why I spent more time worrying and stressing then enjoying how good I had it? All the experts say to get a better night's sleep, write down your worries on a list and then forget about them til morning. My list is nearly every line of a yellow pad long. And I don't want to go to bed because I'll be sharing it with the divot maker rather than the hubby. Yet some nights I'll crawl into bed frustrated at the bigger of the two divot makers (that would be hubby) because he's too close to my pillow. Didn't the Stones say "you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need." Well, tonight I need simply to be at peace with the here and now. Yes, I want a fabulous home with a gigantic kitchen and a job that sounds 'status-worthy', but I don't need that. I need to know that I am who God made me. Exactly as I am, and that is ok, and more than ok. I need to give myself permission to be pleased with myself and know that I am beautiful. I need the peace that only God can give. My list can wait. My mind cannot.

Ahhh, Blessed Resolve

2008-01-18T06:24:00.000-08:00

Something magical and wonderful happened yesterday. I had a productive day. Over the last 3 to 6 months, I've been dealing with the unresolve. The feeling that there's a cartoon frying pan aimed at my head and I won't know where it's coming from, but I will get smacked into oblivion when I least expect it. Wednesday we had a staff fun/retreat day. Of course, my boss couldn't let it all be about fun (he scheduled visits to 2 other similar programs so that we could get new ideas to refresh us) but the first part of the day was group choclate making at Chocolate Etc. in Wycoff. What a magical place!! We painted with white chocolate tinted with food coloring, we filled molds with milk chocolate. We made our own mini Nestle Crunch bars! Yet, when I arrived home that evening, still no joy. Happiness, but no joy. My desk at work still had piles, my house still has Christmas decorations up. (I am my mother's daughter...) But Thursday, my boss was out of the office most of the day. Now, my trainer will say that it's because I finally showed up at the gym for the first time since before Christmas, but yesterday, I was EN FUEGO!!! (classic sports center reference for you Ry-boy) I sorted, I answered mail, I deposited money! And when my boss finally came in, he asked me questions that I had immediate answers for. Now in total retrospect, I spent Sunday in church totally and completely broken. Desperate to move to the suburbs and forget I existed. But after all the shredding on Sunday, I think I'm realizing that my passion for life, my desire for joy is going to come first out of my relationship with God. If it isn't good, there will be no joy. Now, I'm not saying that all is magically wonderful between me and God. I've still got some scary questions and am confronting some territory that I've kept hidden for waaaay too long. But for some reason, I know now that it's going to be ok. I feel like there should be more to end this, but nope. It's just going to be ok.

Delayed Start

2008-01-09T06:28:00.000-08:00

So as I looked around at my favorite blogs, I realized everyone else had done some sort of "it's a new year, here's my first post" kind of thing... yeah. Me, not so much. Here it is January 9th, and I'm just now getting the candy canes down of the page. My tin tree is still up, the ornaments are hung on the garland over the door. It just seems like a microcosm of my holiday. I had such a good one what with the annual football game and seeing my family, whom I love dearly.

I mean, just look at these folks, how can you not love them?? But throughout the holiday I still had that sense of unresolve (I know brother. I don't care if it's a word or not. I want to use it so I will. Truthiness.) hanging over my head. I even came home with it. Joey had to pry my fingers from my parents door and then from the couch in the Poconos just to make me come home. But I came. And the Wednesday, resolve came swiftly and unexpectedly. Thanks to my lovely brother and his well timed gifts (just check out John Piper and not be changed, I dare ya!) I felt somehow more at ease with the skillet that was being aimed at my head. So here I sit, 9 days into January. I have nothing more to look forward to in the football world, although I am wearing my new Ohio State sweatshirt and hat because I, sir, am no fair-weather fan. I have a million things still hanging over me at work (thus I sit here ready to attack my office computer as soon as I finish this post...) and I don't think I've actually received any answers to my deep rooted questions of why and how. Or maybe I have. He's been saying all along "I AM" and I kept acknowledging that it was the answer to my "Who" but refusing to let it be my answer to the "Hows" and "Whys" of my life. So yes. Today I move forward not knowing any more about where I'm headed in this new year, but I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He will keep me from falling until that day I am presented faultless before Him. Do you know that?
On that note... a pic of Speedy's trip home to brighten the day.

Notice his blanket there to the right of the picture. And notice that he is indeed, belted in to the driver's side back seat. Yet, he has crawled across to the middle of the back seat and perched himself in his bag of stuff. He didn't root around to get into his food, he merely wanted to sit IN the bag. Stayed there most of the trip. Crazy dog!

Peace on earth, good will to who?

2007-12-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

Thanks to some very dear friends, our house was decorated for Christmas on December 1st. I've watched more Christmas movies than I ever have before, and since our Christmas show has been postponed til January (long story) , I don't have 6 nights of rehearsals ahead of me this week. In fact, a week from tonight, I will be three days away from some time in the Poconos with the hubby and the pup. But as I sit watching the Grinch this evening, I feel more like the Grinch than the Whos. I feel like my heart is two sizes too small this year. I made sure to not think about Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving, which we've been listening to ever since. But yet, as I sing along to yet another version of "I'll be home for Christmas", I find myself still refusing to let people into traffic lines ahead fo me and mumbling under my breath when they show their lack of knowledge of traffic laws. I'd like to say I'm praying that the Christmas spirit finds me soon, but I think that's part of the problem. I've been letting my frustration at life's situations so affect me that it's not just the Christmas spirit that's eluding me, it's the Spirit of the Lord that I've turned my back on. I wish I had a nice snappy way to wrap up this post, some sort of resolve. I so want resolve. So much so that I often refuse to end a story or thought without one. But I'm afraid tonight resolve eludes me as much the Christmas spirit. So I'll end in the immortal words of Cindy Lu Who. "Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?.... Did Christmas change or just me?"

Thoughts...

2007-11-30T15:50:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Jen (check out the new link on the right...) I'm now the proud owner of a themed blog. YAY! But as for today, where as previously I was conflicted... today I am divided. I want to become organized, pulled together and dazzling. I chastise myself in my head for not being so. Instead, on the outside, I remain frazzled, scattered and slightly impressive. Oh to hope. Another pic of the dog to make life better... In the spirit of my new themed page...

He tried to eat the hat soon after this pic was taken.

Conflicted

2007-11-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

Today I am feeling conflicted. Conflicted about where I live, my faith, my life. Last night, after putting in my 8ish hours at New City, I drove to the heights for a meeting. I was going through an intersection when the light turned yellow above me. Previous to me entering the intersection, 3 people had begun to cross the street against the light and into my path. I honked to warn them when I got into the intersection. 2 of the people stopped. One, a teenage boy, not more than 15, but thugged out, kept walking and spit (yes... spit) on my truck. I want to live somewhere else. Somewhere where people are nice. Somewhere where being a Christian doesn't mean being unprofessional and ill prepared. We are looking at a house around the block. Nothing like the grand place on the quiet street we've looked at before. It's a small place nearly connected to a bodega. The scary part. We may actually get it. I'm scared we will finally have a place of our own that we'll be responsible for, but it's what I've wanted for so long. There is a speech, I'm going to misquote it I'm sure, but the essence is that our biggest fear is not that we'll fail, but that we'll succeed. I'm so used to being a horrible failure that success is too frightening. I'm so used to my life being such a mess that I don't want to say no and get organized and just concentrate on God because when all else is stripped away and I'm in his presence, nothing will ever be the same again. Worry is like a comfortable blanket for me. I've spent nights awake lately because my brain won't slow down. I invent things to worry about. And I think it's catching. Speedy has become a bit of a worry-wart lately. He cries when we leave the house, cries when we take him in the car with us, shakes in the cold but hates wearing a warm sweater. Yet again, my dog is my mirror. I did whisper a thanks this morning when I got back from taking joe to the train. I'm so thankful that there's another little body in my house to keep me company. On that note, another pic of the pup to brighten my day and yours.

This is one of our Christamas card pics. The caption is "YAY WINTER!!!" Actually he hates the winter stuff. Well, he hated the ear wrap, he actually curled up and took a nap in the scarves. Hope he makes you smile too.

The Why of the Dog

2007-11-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Joey on the phone today when I realized that once again, there was a furry body in the bed. Granted, I had told him earlier it would be allowed until I made the bed, then the whole bedroom would be off limits to avoid the dreaded body divot. So as I was talking to Joey, I also was talking to the pup. And then it after I hung up the phone with my lovely husband, and continued to talk to the pup, I realized, we have dogs in order to allow us to talk to ourselves without feeling overly foolish. I'm so glad to finally have that monkey off my back! Now. Because I am feeling very excited today (i learned to link to something within my post thanks to studying Natalie's site yay!)So I think I shall celebrate by doing something else cool. I shall include a picture of the pup and Joe.

This is the pup and Joe contemplating the deck and all things natural out at the place in the Poconos. We're headed there again this weekend to celebrate 5 years of marriage. YAY US! I'll post some more pics of the pup soon.

Wishes for the funny

2007-10-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

I would so like to be funny today. But since the hubby woke up on the wrong side of the bed, he woke me up on the wrong side of the bed, so it seems all I can muster is "wry". I have been going to the gym. Joe and I joined a couple of months ago, and I have been steadily working out with a body builder named Juan. For me, he is the perfect blend of mean and sweet. During our workout, if I wuss out on something, he taunts me. Only after we're finished for the day does he give me a high five and tell me how strong I'm getting. I'm bound and determined to look like a different person when I go back home for Christmas this year. Heck, I aim to look different by the next time we go to Flemington, which will probably be Thanksgiving. I have decided my life has become too sedintary, so much so that when I am running out the door for crazy busy reasons, I'm always three steps behind before I even start. Someday I will perfect this thing we call life. But for now, my first step is to get the pup some food.

Hope and the Flipside of the Coin

2007-09-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

So this morning, at 8:40 am, I thought of the most wonderful post. I dropped off the hubby, did my time at the gym, excited to come home and post. A mere hour later, I experienced the other side of my post... so I thought I'd share both with you. It's fall here. I think it's fall mostly everywhere else too, but fall in the city means something very strange and mysterious. Crossing Guards. It is incumbent on the Jersey City Crossing Guard to direct traffic at times, in order to get their charges safely across the road. Unfortunately, as with most Jersey City citizens, the crossing guards do not know traffic laws. (I am beginning to believe there are no actual traffic laws in Jersey City...) However, on this bright and beautiful morning, I saw something amazing. There are two lights in a row that have left turn arrows. Purposely, to allow those cars to turn left unimpeded (the idea behind the brilliant left turn arrow) the crosswalk signs remain at "Don't Walk." Usually people ignore this and, seeing that the light is red on their side, they begin to walk, holding up the left turning people, making them angry so that they try to force their way into the intersection even beyond their left turn arrow and they in turn block up oncoming traffic, because by this time, more people have showed up at the crosswalk and by now the sign says "Walk" so they do. I hate traffic. BUT TODAY!!! A lovely crossing guard held our her stop sign forcing the 2 people waiting at the cross walk to wait until the green arrow had gone to yellow! She looked to see that there were no more cars waiting to turn left, and only then did she let her charges cross the street!! I am praying heaps of blessings down on her head right now. Mind you, I didn't turn left until the next intersection, but to see that there was common sense in existence in Jersey City was a miracle. But then. My hope for the good of all that is common sensical here in Jersey City was dashed to pieces. You may have seen in the national news that the school districts in Emerson, New Jersey had received a bomb threat earlier in the week. Emerson is a bit away, but we in the city have come to realize that we are always living slightly on guard. So on my way home from the gym, I have to pass by a school. I noticed that traffic was stopped and there seemed to be a sea of little yellow polo shirts crossing the road. There were a couple of cop cars and a public school safety vehicle. In retrospect, it may have only been the requesite fire drill, but due to the limited space in Jersey City, when a school needs to be evacuated, students must often cross a road to be a safe distance away. I got stuck in the traffic of them crossing back to the school yard to reassemble and re-enter the school. Mind you, it is a LARGE school. There were a lot of yellow polo shirt clad children crossing the road. I, being on a runners high after the gym and listening to my favorite new song on the radio, put my car in park, thankful that the children all seemed to be ok, and the school was intact. ( I have seen what happens when its not just a drill.) Next to me, a guy proceeds to lay on his horn, voicing his frustration that the line of traffic was not moving. I, having the common sense of the wise traffic guard, knew that the line of traffic would start moving when the children were all across the street and the waiting cops allowed traffic to move again. Non-common sense driver next to me thought that laying on his horn, oh not once, but TWICE mind you, would magically move the entire line of traffic through the line of children and the waiting cops without getting him thrown in jail. Pray for the common sense of Jersey City. We could use some.

Body Divots and the Four-Legged Bed Invader

2007-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

I was away last week for six days. I was in British Columbia being wined and dined and golfed into a blissful oblivion. Joey was here in Joisey working like crazy. Speedy had the house to himself. Not a good plan. When Joey would finally get home, he would crawl into bed and wait for my very late call (British Columbia and New York evidentaly are not on the same time zones...). Speedy decided to keep him company and helped himself to my side of the bed. Joey informed me during our nightly phone call that Speedy was sleeping in a human fashion, head resting on my pillow. I was not pleased. I don't like to share my pillow. I told Joe this was probably not a good thing to allow as the rightful owner of the right side of the bed would soon be home. We have spent this whole week waking up every couple of hours to the little "tap tap tap tap" of Speedy's nails as he leaves his perfectly lovely house with wonderful fluffy pillows to come jump into our bed, nudging us out of the way and burrowing under the covers. Joey will push him out of bed, he'll come around to my side, stand up agains the rail, and I say "Speedy, go lay down." It's not a nightly ritual I like. What I like even less than a fuzzball in my bed is a body divot. We splurged and got the 'baffle-box construction feather bed with synthetic feathers'. All of which makes it sound like you'll be sleeping on a cloud of air. Except the cloud only lasts for all of 2 minutes. If you don't fall asleep in those two minutes, you can feel the faux feathers compressing into your body shape, loosing all of its fluffy comfort. I've been trying to be more efficient on my Wednesday laundry day, making the bed as soon as I get back from the laundromat. Only, I've been finding out that once I fluff the feather bed and put the sheets on, Speedy decides that it is indeed the most comfortable place in the house, and since he has taken a liking to my side of the bed, we'll come home from our Wednesday life groups to find that the nice fluffy bed is all ready for us to climb into, with a large, dacshaund-shaped dent on my side. Ah, life with the pup.

So the thing about trust is....

2007-09-07T17:05:00.001-07:00

So I realize I start 90% of my posts with "so". Random thought, but that's me. Anywho, on to the post. We went to Flemington for the Revelation Generation festival and Labor Day. We decided to take our pup, Speedy. It was his first big trip in the car. The ride out to Flemington was pretty bad. We'd gotten sedatives for him, but didn't have enough time for them to take effect before we had to get under way. We also had car trouble on the way out, so long story short, we're careening, ala "Speed" around the circles in Flemington and Speedy is pacing in the back, eventually loosing his bread that we had to feed his pill to him with. But after a good weekend, filled with off the leash roaming, steak bones and love from every person in sight, we were ready to head home. We gave Speedy his pill plenty of time in advance (so much so that he was tripping around staring at butterflies) and then loaded him in the car. We'd laid down the plastic sheet, he had the whole backseat to himself with his bed and his favorite pillow, yet he never fell asleep. He kept trying to get up, putting his paw up on the console between the front seats. So I wondered aloud to Joey, "Why doesn't he just trust us. He knows we love him and we're not getting rid of him" (we think his previous owner may have given him cause to fear the car) but for some reason, he still hasn't let go and won't trust us completely. There's still a wariness in his eyes that says he's not sure if we're the ones who will love him for the rest of his life. Then it hit me. I'm asking my little clueless pup to do the same thing God is asking of me. God's got wonderful things in store for me, and the journey itself is part of the adventure. Yet I won't just lay down and trust Him. How much better would it be if I would.

Country Girl in the Big City

2007-08-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

So the summer makes me struggle a lot with my decision to live here in Joisey. Not that I was ever really a country girl, mind you. I did drive a truck, had all the country radio stations on preset and had cows in my back yard. However, when I met a dear friend, before she found out where I was from, she automatically assumed it was New York.
Quite often in the summer we go down the shore (that's the way it's said, not down to the shore or anything like that... "down the shore"...) for a Saturday. We sit on the Parkway fighting traffic, me hiding my face and begging Joey to drive slower. But somehow, when we get there, I feel at home.
There are days that I don't mind living next to New York City. September here is perfect. Going over to see the Christmas tree in Rock Center (definately not on the day they do the lighting though... I'm not INSANE!) But right now, in the throes of August, where the air is so humid, you feel like your lungs are dripping on the inside, the heat is so oppressive and it makes the garbage stink. All drivers are bad drivers, and people are oblivious to common courtesy. I just want to run and live on a ranch in Alaska. Sometimes the city is beautiful, sometimes my heart is ugly. If I make it through today, I'll have 2 more days of August to deal with. Now, September 1st, I will be out at Revelation Farms at the RevGen festival. There will be grass, there will be space, and my only responsibility is to make sure my little cousins have fun. Something tells me September is shapeing up to be quite nice...

Never Alone

2007-07-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

So I've been feeling rather alone lately. I've been feeling like I'm going through something entirely, horribly unique. But in the last 5 days, I've had talks with 2 people who are in varying stages of my exact confusing frustration. I know the Bible says that the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you, but it's also very encouraging to know that He gives you human bodies to commiserate with. Sometimes you really need that human body to let you know that you will be actually able to make it through. I made the mistake of praying that God would use our vacation to change me, to change my outlook. I wanted to see myself as He sees me. I had all these romanticized notions of a magic "poof" moment where all would finally be fixed and amazing. Unfortunately, before I can see myself in that advanced state, I get to see all the ugliness that needs fixed. Yay. But at least I know I'm going in the right direction. Joey had a picture in his head a while back of us standing on the close side of a giant cavern, with God on the other side reaching out His hand to us. The path we had been on ended at the cavern's opening. On God's side, it was a wild, untamed wilderness. We could either choose to stay on our side of the cavern with its clearly marked path, or take God's hand and jump across. Once we would go across, we would be unable to get back across to the 'safe' side. Also, once across, we would have to stick closely to God so as to not loose our way. We're well into the wilderness now, and sometimes I lag behind and lose sight of God. Thankfully, He's got one eye on where we're going and one eye on us. I have a feeling it's going to be a wild journey. Here goes nothing!

Independance Day

2007-07-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

Exactly 14 years ago, I sat next to a lake on the campus of Teens Missions in Cocoa Beach Florida and watched the fireworks. As I sat, I got up the nerve to talk to one of our counselors about the decision I had made that evening during the program. Even after growing up in the church, I decided I hadn't really lived like I meant it. So I made the decision to re-commit myself to the walk of faith I thought I had been living. I've been questioning that walk ever since. Not in a bad way, mind you. I've simply been asking myself why I do what I do, say what I say and believe what I believe. And ever since that night, every July 4th, I watch the finale of the fireworks and think "God is celebrating with me." Tonight was no different. It was truly a Jersey Shore moment, we were watching from the docks, and when the finale ended, all the boat horns sounded in appreciation, and then someone cranked up Springsteen's "Born in the USA." And while I am glad to be celebrating the 231st birthday of my beloved country, I'm even more excited to be celebrating 14 years of glorious questioning. Because in my questioning I'm finding answers, and my answers lead to learning and knowing more. My father always asks, "Did you learn something new today? Then it's a good day." Happy Birthday America, here's to a good day!

Empty

2007-07-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

So none of the other people here seem to have really active faith lives. And I'm realizing how empty a life is if it doesn't have a purpose given by God. I see these people living their lives and I wonder, do they just think they'll go through and this is all there is? Just get older and fade away? My brother is doing a Bible study on a John Piper book, and I was struck by the example of a older couple who had retired and their lives consisted of playing softball, sailing their 40 foot trawler and looking for seashells on the beach. Piper makes the comment, what are they going to do when the get to Heaven and stand before the Lord? Stand there and say "here God, look at my shells!" Granted, I know my purpose involves being here on this beach this week. To meet Craig, our minister neighbor, to share love with the mother of 3 who has been hurting for most of her life, to be an example to the rambunctious 11 year old boy who doesn't understand discipline and to let Joe's dad see what life can be like when you have a guiding hand in it. He just watched his mom pass away, and I know death is so much more imminent now to him, but we want to show him that it's not the end. It is becoming evident that although this week is about rest and rejuvenation for us, it is also still ministry. Our life is ministry. We are an open book for the people around us to read the story of what God can do in a life. I pray that our story is read, understood and internalized.

Patriotic Hymns, Little Kisses and the Color Green

2007-07-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

So we arrived at LBI yesterday before everyone else in the group which was nice. Gave us a chance to get acclimated and spend some quiet time on the beach by ourselves. Also gave us a chance to meet our neighbor for the week, whom we found out is a minister who is friends with a pastor we know at First Assembly in Bayonne. Small world. Just a way of God letting us know that even with all the insanity of the last couple of days, He's still orchestrating this concert of our lives.
We biked around town a bit to get the lay of things and found a little Methodist Church that looked promising for service this morning. We confirmed with our neighbor that it was an ok place to go, and off we went this morning. Majority of the folk there were of the wise, white haired variety (one of the little choir ladies just celebrated 97 years this week), but there was a familiarity that put me at ease. We sang "God of our Fathers" (or God of the Ages as it is in the new PC hymnbooks...) with its trumpet intro. I imagined my dad's voice singing the exact same song back in Ohio today. I always love hearing him sing that one. The tenor line can get pretty high, and I could picture the way his forehead stretches out for him to hit the notes. The "prayer song" as it was labeled was "ask and it shall be given unto you..." a verse from an old camp song. Even more poignant today as I was asking to be freed from the guilt and pain I've carried for so long.
I was also able to genuinely laugh today. The pastor had gone into a time of silent prayer, as indicated by the bulletin, and it had gone not more than 15 seconds until the pianist (another wise, white haired lady) started playing robustly the offertory song "God Bless America". The pastor was a very theatrical man who looked up, looked back, went back to her piano and pointed to where they were supposed to be in the bulletin. She finished the line with a quiet flourish and he hugged her shoulders. I joined the rest of the congregation in laughing not at her, but at our own mix ups and failings. Knowing that when we do mess up, God turns around, points us in the right direction and gives us a hug.
I am amazed that God finds ways to give me little kisses of joy and peace just to let me know that He hasn't quite forgotten me yet. I may scream and cry to Him that He has, but He hasn't. Every little detail is in His hand. We went back out on the beach this evening for a walk with Joe's dad. As we walked the sun was setting over the bay on the other side of the island. The pink and purple sky reflected on the sand and the water, making the water turn the loveliest shade of green. I intensely dislike the color green. I think it makes me look sick if I wear it, I admonish Joey for using it in lighting schemes and I refuse to eat mint chocolate chip ice cream (I have more against the chips than I do the mint, but still). But the water in the evening is this beautiful shade of green against blue that looks like stained glass as the wave begins to crest. And I think to myself, surely God is here. Surely He is real and surely He loves me and has not forgotten me. But it isn't just here that He loves me. He loves me in the city when it is grey and dreary and I haven't seen the sun for days. Here, though, He reminds me with kisses of joy and the patriotic hymns my father sings so masterfully. Here I am reminded I live in a country where I am still free to worship how I choose when I choose. May I never choose to stop.