To-do Lists and Age Lines

My mom was (and presumably still is) a list maker. I hated them. It seemed like there was a pile of things on the paper that could never be completely accomplished in the little time I had to do them. (I usually had ample time at the start, I would just put things off until there was minimal time left. Hmmm I still do that...) But as I've gotten older and lived on my own, I think I'm becoming more of a list maker than my mom. There is nothing more satisfying than getting up knowing that there are things that I must accomplish that day, and having the little check boxes next to them that I can cross off. Most days I don't get to all the check boxes. On the rare days I do, I do a happy dance in my mind. My list for this weekend is ambitious. Joe is off to the Poconos with his bro. It was supposed to include the guys in Joe's life group as well, but they all bailed on him. It's probably better, Joe needs some time with his brother. He's been talking about doing something like this forever. So, of course, this is the weekend we're hosting a superbowl party on Sunday, and of course I have to teach most of the day on Saturday as well as oversee a bake sale/empanada sale to finish raising the money for our trip to Battlecry next weekend. I have my own life group tomorrow, I'm attempting to get to the pool twice a week to practice swimming so that I don't drown during the triathalon in September, and I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to get all of this stuff done. I even have a list of 30 things I want to do while I'm 30. I think I have one thing crossed off of it. So I have a lot of planning to do... While I was sitting at the computer earlier printing out recipes for Sunday (yes, I promised Joe I'd keep it easy, which for me is only 5 courses instead of 7...thanks for that one too, mom!) I started flipping through this old photo album we keep in the cubby next to the desk. It's mostly from our honeymoon and from our first Christmas. I was talking to a dear friend the other day about the craziness in my head about wanting to feel fabulous and only feeling like a failure. And I looked at those pictures and thought, how beautiful I was then. But did I think that as I was experiencing them. Or, like now, did I feel frumpy and out of place. Will I look back in 5 years on pictures of me now and wonder why I didn't relish the lack of age lines on my face (yet again, thanks mom!) will I wonder why I spent more time worrying and stressing then enjoying how good I had it? All the experts say to get a better night's sleep, write down your worries on a list and then forget about them til morning. My list is nearly every line of a yellow pad long. And I don't want to go to bed because I'll be sharing it with the divot maker rather than the hubby. Yet some nights I'll crawl into bed frustrated at the bigger of the two divot makers (that would be hubby) because he's too close to my pillow. Didn't the Stones say "you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need." Well, tonight I need simply to be at peace with the here and now. Yes, I want a fabulous home with a gigantic kitchen and a job that sounds 'status-worthy', but I don't need that. I need to know that I am who God made me. Exactly as I am, and that is ok, and more than ok. I need to give myself permission to be pleased with myself and know that I am beautiful. I need the peace that only God can give. My list can wait. My mind cannot.

Ahhh, Blessed Resolve

Something magical and wonderful happened yesterday. I had a productive day. Over the last 3 to 6 months, I've been dealing with the unresolve. The feeling that there's a cartoon frying pan aimed at my head and I won't know where it's coming from, but I will get smacked into oblivion when I least expect it. Wednesday we had a staff fun/retreat day. Of course, my boss couldn't let it all be about fun (he scheduled visits to 2 other similar programs so that we could get new ideas to refresh us) but the first part of the day was group choclate making at Chocolate Etc. in Wycoff. What a magical place!! We painted with white chocolate tinted with food coloring, we filled molds with milk chocolate. We made our own mini Nestle Crunch bars! Yet, when I arrived home that evening, still no joy. Happiness, but no joy. My desk at work still had piles, my house still has Christmas decorations up. (I am my mother's daughter...) But Thursday, my boss was out of the office most of the day. Now, my trainer will say that it's because I finally showed up at the gym for the first time since before Christmas, but yesterday, I was EN FUEGO!!! (classic sports center reference for you Ry-boy) I sorted, I answered mail, I deposited money! And when my boss finally came in, he asked me questions that I had immediate answers for. Now in total retrospect, I spent Sunday in church totally and completely broken. Desperate to move to the suburbs and forget I existed. But after all the shredding on Sunday, I think I'm realizing that my passion for life, my desire for joy is going to come first out of my relationship with God. If it isn't good, there will be no joy. Now, I'm not saying that all is magically wonderful between me and God. I've still got some scary questions and am confronting some territory that I've kept hidden for waaaay too long. But for some reason, I know now that it's going to be ok. I feel like there should be more to end this, but nope. It's just going to be ok.

Delayed Start

So as I looked around at my favorite blogs, I realized everyone else had done some sort of "it's a new year, here's my first post" kind of thing... yeah. Me, not so much. Here it is January 9th, and I'm just now getting the candy canes down of the page. My tin tree is still up, the ornaments are hung on the garland over the door. It just seems like a microcosm of my holiday. I had such a good one what with the annual football game and seeing my family, whom I love dearly.

I mean, just look at these folks, how can you not love them?? But throughout the holiday I still had that sense of unresolve (I know brother. I don't care if it's a word or not. I want to use it so I will. Truthiness.) hanging over my head. I even came home with it. Joey had to pry my fingers from my parents door and then from the couch in the Poconos just to make me come home. But I came. And the Wednesday, resolve came swiftly and unexpectedly. Thanks to my lovely brother and his well timed gifts (just check out John Piper and not be changed, I dare ya!) I felt somehow more at ease with the skillet that was being aimed at my head. So here I sit, 9 days into January. I have nothing more to look forward to in the football world, although I am wearing my new Ohio State sweatshirt and hat because I, sir, am no fair-weather fan. I have a million things still hanging over me at work (thus I sit here ready to attack my office computer as soon as I finish this post...) and I don't think I've actually received any answers to my deep rooted questions of why and how. Or maybe I have. He's been saying all along "I AM" and I kept acknowledging that it was the answer to my "Who" but refusing to let it be my answer to the "Hows" and "Whys" of my life. So yes. Today I move forward not knowing any more about where I'm headed in this new year, but I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He will keep me from falling until that day I am presented faultless before Him. Do you know that?
On that note... a pic of Speedy's trip home to brighten the day.

Notice his blanket there to the right of the picture. And notice that he is indeed, belted in to the driver's side back seat. Yet, he has crawled across to the middle of the back seat and perched himself in his bag of stuff. He didn't root around to get into his food, he merely wanted to sit IN the bag. Stayed there most of the trip. Crazy dog!