When the Going Gets Tough...

... This toughie usually eats ice cream. Not so today! But I could totally kill for some organic honey. Last night and this morning Joe asked me if I wanted tea (last night) and coffee (this morning)... Yes on both counts but no because I have become very fond of light and sweet on both counts. So yes, I am struggling, but I am determined. PRAY!! I am typing this on my black berry so that I don't think about the fact that there is a vending machine right across the laundry mat. And since I come here all the time the guy is nice to me and usually slips me a pack of peanut m&ms. I am practicing saying "lo siento. No permiso. " that's my broken Spanish of sorry, not allowed. Pray against the lovely m&m man!!!

And So It Begins

My prep week wasn't that good. I was moody, felt terrible and ate whatever I wanted, including all the wrong things. Today is presenting itself as more of the same. We didn't go to bed until 2am last night because we'd committed to picking up the Colorado team from the airport. They were originally scheduled to get in at 11pm, but lovely delays from weather, and yeah... I'm getting a bit of a late start but my day isn't as hectic as it usually could be so I'm taking it bit by bit. Had a great long afternoon with a friend last week, and told her about this plan, and her question for me was why did I want to be a different person. And that made me think some, I think it's more about being the best me that I can rather than being a different person. So that's what I'm meditating on for now. And I'm concentrating on not beating up myself for mistakes. I've given myself so little room for error before that I would end up going off the deep end if something went minutely wrong. So that's where I am today. Been watching the Olympics, so strangely, I'm feeling a bit more like anything is possible (props to the men's relay team). Also, I have been encouraged by Jennn (props for sticking to your goals while on vacay! Enjoy the time). And welcome home to Steve when he finally wakes up today. Those first couple of days home after camp are always a bit rough. We'll make it through together!
My stomach is starting to growl, so I'm going to grab some non-sugared breakfast! Keep praying folks!

12 Weeks

There's this sign down at our gym advertising a q&a session with a body builder lady who, according to the add, "changed her life" in 14 weeks. Now, I don't think she was huge to begin with, but I know she wasn't ripped like that. So I got to thinking, what could I do in a short span of time? 14 weeks is just over 3 months, so I shortened it to 12 weeks, which is 3 months. 3 months from next Monday is the day after my 6th wedding anniversary. (yeah, re-read that to make sure you got that right.) After speaking via e-mail with Angela, watching Danisia, and supporting Jennn, I've decided to see what I can do with myself, body, mind and spirit over the next 12 weeks. I'm using this week as a prep week, cleaning out cupboards and the fridge, planning meals. I'll start with a week or 2 of a sugar detox (only allowing natural sugars through fruits and such...) to try and weaken the hold my sweet tooth has on my life. I'm detoxing on the tv, using my DVR to its fullest, allowing myself to watch only the news and glenn in real time. I'll catch up on shows on the weekends when I can buzz through commercials. With admiration of Steve, I'm going to try and match his 2 books a month (FINALLY finished my way through the 5 1/2 book series of Hitchhikers Guide this weekend - homage to you, Nat!) I'm going to try and focus on being a better wife, a better friend, a better woman of God. I know. I've tried this before. I've given up before. I can't say I won't want to give up now. But as before, I know that the only thing holding me back from my destiny is me. So I can sit around and mope about getting old, or I can just kick my own butt and do it. We're having a big family thanksgiving in Ohio due to a new Boyd arrival in December, so that will be my marker. Will I show up at thanksgiving the same old mopey me? Or will I have some new breakthroughs to be thankful for. Here goes nothing!

Pay it Forward

What a difference a day makes...Monday was nuts... off to therapy, then to the gym, then by Ebony's then by Jennn's then to groceries then to Chris'.... etc.. (this is sounding a bit like Jenni's post..) Tuesday, on my way to work got stopped on the road right next to what I'm assuming was a drug bust. (I dunno, there was a van in the middle of the road, a guy in handcuffs who didn't seem to bright and the cops were plain clothes...so just an assumption.)
But then yesterday. Got clearance from the doc to only go to therapy once a week as long as I'm going to the gym (less stress on the wallet!) And recognized that there were some things yesterday on the to-do list that just weren't going to get done. I crossed off those extra things without guilt and did what I could. So I'm standing in the never ending line at the post office waiting to pick up my package, where of course there is only one teller (and 4 other empty windows for tellers..) and there's a woman a few people back who just needs one stamp. She has fifty cents, but alas, in the renovation, they've removed the stamp machine so she must stand in the horribly long line for one stamp. The gentleman in front of me picks up his package, and then proceeds to buy one stamp. I, of course, being a student of human behavior, picked up on this and watched to see what would happen. The woman was 2 people behind me. As the gentleman walked away and I stepped up to the window, he leaned across the divider and slid the stamp to the woman with a smile and a nod. I live in Jersey City. Things like this don't happen. You're more likely to see the scene I witnessed at the drive through at Dunkin this morning, where an irate customer, angry at having to sit in the drive through lane for more than 2 minutes honked her horn to alert the woman at the window, demanded napkins and snatched them out of the worker's hands. All while sitting in her comfortable Lexus.
Joey downloaded Switchfoot's new album for me from itunes, and I'm beginning to think that perhaps the American Dream that I've been striving for should look a little more like yesterday's experience and less like today's... Thoughts?

Maybe...Just maybe....

Jennn is getting antsy for a new post, so here goes....
I am becoming more aware how little tweaks in my environment affect my mood and outlook on things. This might seem common sense to some and ludicrous to others. But I shall explain. Today marked my first foray back into real life. I put in 7 hours at the office, made a cake to celebrate The Third (an office-mate), did payroll, caught up my to do list, reassured my boss that I do indeed have everything under control, and then went off to drama practice to get my crew ready for the night of one acts (which is of course in two weeks. Was supposed to be in one, but I've begged for a stay of execution to allow me more time to prep!) But back to the tweaks. Tonight, instead of me having to come home alone, Joe has changed his life group to Thursdays, so we came home together, so I got to ride instead of drive. The heat wave has broken a little bit, so the night air was cool through the open windows of the truck. The salsa music blaring from the truck ahead of us was so muted that it was almost quaint. And since we successfully filmed one of the 2 commercials for said upcoming NOOA, I was feeling good about getting something accomplished. All my shorts were dirty from the weekend o' celebration for my dad, so I decided to forgo my brace and wear the new pair of jeans I hadn't worn yet. (got them the day before surgery... hello?? totally spaced on the fact that I wouldn't be able to wear normal clothes for quite some time...) They fit great, and it helps that I swiped one of Joe's comfy t-shirts. Might live in this for the next couple of days. So with all that said, all those lovely things aligning all together, topped off by the fact that the city FINALLY paved the area of Summit Ave around the Square so I no longer feel like I'm off roading just to get home, I looked around me and thought, "maybe I can live in this city after all."

Really?

The spare tire was stolen off my jeep last night. While parked on the quiet side street next to my building. At the top of the block where 4 streets intersect. Under a streetlight that has been out for months. Really? Joe has been saying that a lot lately, with a very sarcastic bent to it. We had gone out to the Poconos Saturday and Sunday to have some quiet before the surgery. While out there, Joe made the comment that he wanted the weekend to be a first step towards getting back to myself. I've been so fearful, so in need of control lately that I jump at my own shadow. And we had a great time. I read, worked on my creative play lesson plans which will eventually become a book, and just generally relaxed. It was wonderful. And then on the way home, it couldn't make it's mind up if it wanted to be rainy or sunny, so it was both. I said, as we turned a corner, "Should be a rainbow somewhere." Now despite what that beautiful symbol has come to stand for in the last 20 years, I still see the rainbow as a representation of God's promises to me. Not just that He won't destroy the world by flood again, but that He keeps his promises. As we played tag through the trees with it, the rainbow appeared to be very vivid at times and faint at others. I assumed this was due to the varying amounts of sun. Imagine my joy when we came to a clearing and saw that it was a double rainbow that seemed to be touching down on one of the golf courses we'll be playing with dad in 2 weeks. Kind of an inside joke between God and me. Double His promises, double His blessings and a golf course to boot. And then today. But as everything raged inside me this morning, "How dare they! Is there no safety and security left in my neighborhood? It was probably some crackhead who sold it so they could buy more drugs!" I was then reminded of a newsletter from a friend who works in Newark, in a much worse neighborhood than mine. He tells the story of coming to Newark to visit his grandfather, to essentially get his grandfather to give up the crazy idea of ministering in Newark. In the midst of talking to his grandfather, they come upon a crackhead on their doorstep, bleeding from her head from a fall. My friend watches as his grandfather cleans up this woman and then sends her to a shelter. But that's not the part of the story that stuck in my head this morning. A year or so later, after Danny has responded to the call and is doing amazing things in Newark, who should he find on his doorstep but that same crackhead, bloody and near unconsciousness. He follows in his grandfather's footsteps reminded that but for some different circumstances, it could be him, bleeding and strung out. I have built for myself an invisible prison of safety and security. I told myself that I could live in this neighborhood as long as we didn't get robbed or our house broken into. Our old car, the Geo Metro, Herbie, was broken into twice. It hurt at the time, but now we laugh about it. Today it's not so easy to laugh. Funny, I can almost feel the war of Romans 7 almost playing itself out in me. I so want to say, "it's only stuff. God is bigger. I'm ok. He's still in control." But the other side is screaming, "God! Why did you come make me live here with THESE people. The crackheads and people who have no decency or self control, who care more about their clothes and their ride than their neighborhood, people who steal other peoples tires!" And so I see that God's double blessing hasn't left (ironically, once we got back on the freeway on the way home, there was a remnant of the rainbow in the sky until it got dark. God's promises are just as true in the city as they are in the country.) His blessing hasn't left because He hasn't left. He brought me here. I know that. And my security isn't in me being able to provide all my needs, but in Him providing. My safety isn't in a car alarm that would alert me to the crackheads, but that He hasn't let me be harmed since I've been here. To quote a president, the only thing I have to fear is fear itself, and the word says that perfect love drives out fear. Pray with me today that perfect love wins.

New Horizons

So with the surgery looming on Thursday, we headed out to the Poconos just for a day since we won't be able to come out again til Dad's big birthday weekend. It's so quiet here. Joe called me out on the deck this morning to see a deer staring at us from the hill behind the house. Maybe 200 yards away. (speedy was going nuts, tried to crawl under the deck gate!) This time, when we got in the car to come out, there wasn't the usual pressure of "get there, get there..." stress over traffic, worrying about Speedy. (he still puked in the car, but neither Joe or I got really angry over it.) Lately, I've been trying to walk and sit without hunching my shoulders, hold my head a little higher, stress a little less. It feels good. I've been asking myself some tough questions. If I never get to act again, will I be ok with that? Am I satisfied to write as long as it's providing us a secure income? Can I be secure in what God has, rather than what I feel I must provide? Jennn made a comment recently that got me thinking. She told me I wasn't satisfied with where I was. That I was always wanting more. Some of it comes from being a slight perfectionist, but lately I've been meditating on Philippians 4. One of the few things I can meditate on because I actually memorized it. Paul says: "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation." I need to learn that secret. And I need to distinguish in my mind that being content with where I am doesn't mean not striving for who God wants me to be, nor does it mean that I'm being complacent and lazy. It means I'm ok as I am. I'm seeking the Lord, I'm asking for His direction and trying to follow it. I don't need to know what the one hundredth step is going to be. I need to simply step in the next footstep of God I see. This bit of revelation could be due to the fact that there was an Indiana Jones marathon on last night (we watched the end of Temple of Doom and then Last Crusade) And though I fell asleep through my favorite part (where he steps off onto the invisible bridge... the most amazingly spiritual cinematography I've ever seen!) It reminded me that though I may see the Knight on the other side and know I want to go there, I must take that terrifying first step into nothingness to get there. I think for the last 2 years I've been pacing back and forth on the ledge, debating about the step, reasoning out the step, theorizing about the other side and the Knight and the choice about the cup of Christ when I finally get there. Now it's time to take the step. Yes? I think my all time favorite movie line comes from the end of that movie too. After the Nazi guy drinks from the ornate gold cup and shrivels up and dies, the Knight looks at Indy and the chick and says simply: "He chose...... Poorly." Oh to be Indy and choose wisely. But first to that step....