Speaking the Unspoken

I wrote a blog in my head the other day... it was called "The Fear,Failure and the Fear of Failure." I often blog in my head. This makes it difficult for you to read them because unfortunately they haven't perfected the technology of mental blogging. Although this is probably good. If everything I thought immediately went into blog form for all to read, I would have been committed 4 years ago! So yes... until then and out of the friendly confines of a mental institution, I will actually blog on my computer rather than in my head.
The weekend was rough, had a bit of a breakdown Saturday night. Thanks to Jennn for listening to me rant and rave for a bit, I was able to relax for a bit today. Joe took the day off, because I had been planning to leave today on a trip to Vermont with a friend, but it fell through at the last moment. After a nice long bath (Lush products... MMMMM!) I said the following words aloud to Joe: "I don't think I'm an actor." This may come as a shock to most of you who have known me for any period of time. Do I think I may still act? Of course! Shoestring is moving in some really great directions, and I still find so much joy in being on a stage. But watching Natalie pursue her passion in the city has made me re-evaluate my own passions. I don't really like the build up to being the center of attention (yes Steve, I told you, SHOCKING!) The being on stage, the actual acting, that I enjoy. But I like seeing it come together from backstage, being the "man behind the curtain" in Oz if you will. If you asked me what my passions are, I love cooking. I love parties. I love cooking for parties. I love throwing parties, I love creating parties. I love shopping for parties. Things that drain the passion straight from my veins? Riding the PATH into the city for an audition. Reading copy or doing a monologue for the 12th time KNOWING I'm not what they're looking for. Showing up for yet ANOTHER Japanese project. The fakeness that goes into the business.
So where does this leave me? 2 of my drama team guys are good enough that one day they may be accepting an Oscar and thanking me. (I hope that doesn't sound as cocky as I feel it does!) Some things are around the corner that may make Memoirs take off. We're FINALLY opening our new building at church. YAY! My own stage! I may go to film school just so I can learn how to properly film things. I have finally found a formula that keeps 10 small children occupied and enjoying themselves. I would like to put that into a book. I enjoy writing. I have a laptop and can go anywhere I like and just sit and type.
So this is where I am. I have felt like a failure for some time now because I haven't been in a feature film and haven't won an Oscar myself yet. But that may not be for me. I'm not saying that I may not change the world by being an actor, but I have long felt that I was not to be an actor in a typical sense. I don't want to brag, but I am a good actor. I know that. But I also know I am not a typical actor. I mean, I'm not a typical person. None of us are really. We have been called to be peculiar people right? Here's to oddity.
On a small side note, if I could be so bold as to ask for prayer, I've finally made a Dr's appointment with a highly reccommended Dr. I was told by her office when I made the appointment that it would be a half an hour appointment with her. This woman is a Christian who is extremely good at what she does and has been reccommended to me by 3 of my friends. We're going to be doing a complete physical as well as exploring any other options as to why I haven't been able to shake this funk. Pray we'll find the best course of action and I'll see some differences in my life. Thanks for sharing my crazy life!

Joy Along the Journey

So here we are nearly 2 months into my experiment, and some things are indeed better. My eating hasn't changed as much as I'd hoped, tv habits have changed some, but not as much as they should. I have introduced some omega-3 foods into my diet, based on some things I've read, and sure enough, I am noticing a more positive outlook. I am seeing the difference. Joe asked me this morning to remind him of my goal. (we've been sitting down for a filling breakfast together lately, that has been good...) I've finally distilled the goal down to "to give Joe the best me I can give him." He smiled and said he would be praying for that. I took a bit of a shortcut for my 2 books this month since I'm down to the wire for the month... I am in the middle of 3 other books, all very close to the finish, but I read a novel earlier in the month and today finally finished one of the 88 page books Steve got us all for Christmas, "In Our Joy." The book really distills the Christian life pretty well, and at first I was thinking, "yeah yeah, I know all this already." But when I took time to quiet my heart and listen to what God had to speak to me through it, got some real important pieces out of it... I am a fan of distilling words... don't put in tons of extra fluff that's going to confuse me, just give me your point... so here are some points I got out of it..
1: Don't think of striving to get His favor. Think of striving with the favor of His help. 2: Forgiveness of sins and justification are at the bottom of our striving. We do not strive for them. We strive because we have them. 3: The mark of a true follower of Jesus is not yet perfection but rather an unrelenting battle of sin.
I am realizing that I am in many ways a perfectionist. Usually in many of the wrong areas. But my need for perfection is not so God would love me and accept me. That has already happened. I must strive to perfect my love for Him, resting in the knowledge that even that will not be achieved while I am here on earth. Lord move my motivation to you!
On a side note, I started my 'service small group' last night. Cooking classes and dinner thrown in with a short lesson from the Bible. I had 4 teenage girls sign up and a co-worker who is desperate to learn how to cook. (He recently moved in to an apartment with another intern guy so he's worried he'll starve...) and another co-worker whom I wasn't expecting but am excited to get the joy of knowing. Please pray over Trudy, Taylor, Danitra, Chaiylah (Kay-la), Daija (day-ja) and Will. That they may find our home a safe haven and that I would be able to love them as the Lord loves them. Pray also that the Lord comes through with a bigger house soon... including Joe, last night, we squeezed 8 folks around our kitchen table and a couple of tv trays.
Things I learned last night.... Trudy's grandma died before she was born. Most of the other girls have some sort of continuation of family, also ironic that they seemed to respond to the Grandma question singularly. Not sure how many have father's in the picture, let alone a grandma on dad's side... Also, up until recently Chaiylah lived with an aunt. She lived there because her mother had perished in a house fire. Trudy is a ball of energy held back by a huge smile. Her self-proclaimed schedule is sleeping and eating. Anything I mentioned eating she had a sauce or topping that she had to eat it with. An african-american girl, she loves adobo, usually a hispanic seasoning. She is bold, joyful and says 'salt' like a cross between 'soy' and 'salt'-- 'soilit'. Chaiylah is a beautiful spirit, well spoken and willing to participate in anything. She went out to Colorado on a mission trip this year and was touched by a mom from the church's neighborhood who told her that due to a death in the family, she had left the church, but thanks to Chaiyah and the team, she would be coming back to church. She was my last drop off of the night, so I got to hear how injustice towards people bothers her. She told me of reading about Jamaica, where there are so many beautiful resorts but if you go out of the gates, you can be robbed just because someone sees you with something they don't have so they take it. We talked about the devastation in Haiti, and how there was no one to help them. Her heart breaks for those in pain. I'll get photos later and will give you updates on the others later... Just pray. I have a feeling they may be part of my lifeline back to me....

Remember...

Seven years and 1 week ago I came to this city hoping to make it big. Seven years and two days ago I celebrated my 24th birthday with my brother, my friend Rachel and my 'sort of' boyfriend (soon to be husband) Joe. I marked the day by going to the city, walking through the stores in the basement of the Trade Center with Joe while Steve and Rachel took the elevator to the top to see the amazing view. Seven years ago today, God kept me through one of the hardest days this country has ever endured. Seven years ago today God provided a way home from NYC even though I had no idea even how to get back across the water to Jersey. Seven years ago today I was in the palm of God's hand. Though seven years later now, so much has changed, I am still in the palm of God's hand. I have been planning to write more about my journey, but today is not the day. Today is the day simply to remember that He is God, I am not, and despite my crazy world, it is still His world and He is still in control. Pray for the families that still ache, the cities that are healing and the salvation of the nations. (thanks for the thoughts Steve...)