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Monday, September 22, 2008

Speaking the Unspoken

I wrote a blog in my head the other day... it was called "The Fear,Failure and the Fear of Failure." I often blog in my head. This makes it difficult for you to read them because unfortunately they haven't perfected the technology of mental blogging. Although this is probably good. If everything I thought immediately went into blog form for all to read, I would have been committed 4 years ago! So yes... until then and out of the friendly confines of a mental institution, I will actually blog on my computer rather than in my head.
The weekend was rough, had a bit of a breakdown Saturday night. Thanks to Jennn for listening to me rant and rave for a bit, I was able to relax for a bit today. Joe took the day off, because I had been planning to leave today on a trip to Vermont with a friend, but it fell through at the last moment. After a nice long bath (Lush products... MMMMM!) I said the following words aloud to Joe: "I don't think I'm an actor." This may come as a shock to most of you who have known me for any period of time. Do I think I may still act? Of course! Shoestring is moving in some really great directions, and I still find so much joy in being on a stage. But watching Natalie pursue her passion in the city has made me re-evaluate my own passions. I don't really like the build up to being the center of attention (yes Steve, I told you, SHOCKING!) The being on stage, the actual acting, that I enjoy. But I like seeing it come together from backstage, being the "man behind the curtain" in Oz if you will. If you asked me what my passions are, I love cooking. I love parties. I love cooking for parties. I love throwing parties, I love creating parties. I love shopping for parties. Things that drain the passion straight from my veins? Riding the PATH into the city for an audition. Reading copy or doing a monologue for the 12th time KNOWING I'm not what they're looking for. Showing up for yet ANOTHER Japanese project. The fakeness that goes into the business.
So where does this leave me? 2 of my drama team guys are good enough that one day they may be accepting an Oscar and thanking me. (I hope that doesn't sound as cocky as I feel it does!) Some things are around the corner that may make Memoirs take off. We're FINALLY opening our new building at church. YAY! My own stage! I may go to film school just so I can learn how to properly film things. I have finally found a formula that keeps 10 small children occupied and enjoying themselves. I would like to put that into a book. I enjoy writing. I have a laptop and can go anywhere I like and just sit and type.
So this is where I am. I have felt like a failure for some time now because I haven't been in a feature film and haven't won an Oscar myself yet. But that may not be for me. I'm not saying that I may not change the world by being an actor, but I have long felt that I was not to be an actor in a typical sense. I don't want to brag, but I am a good actor. I know that. But I also know I am not a typical actor. I mean, I'm not a typical person. None of us are really. We have been called to be peculiar people right? Here's to oddity.
On a small side note, if I could be so bold as to ask for prayer, I've finally made a Dr's appointment with a highly reccommended Dr. I was told by her office when I made the appointment that it would be a half an hour appointment with her. This woman is a Christian who is extremely good at what she does and has been reccommended to me by 3 of my friends. We're going to be doing a complete physical as well as exploring any other options as to why I haven't been able to shake this funk. Pray we'll find the best course of action and I'll see some differences in my life. Thanks for sharing my crazy life!

3 comments:

number 5 said...

well, i'm glad that i read this before texting you a "varmint" text... i totally understand what you mean by "mental blogging" LOLOL... i also do "mental phone calling" and "mental text messaging"...

ahhh - the joy of the journey... pursuing God and pursuing who He has for you to be... a crazy, hard, (fill in several more adjectives of your choice) experience!

praying for ya sis :)

Lilu said...

Hi my Sarah, I love you so much. I love reading your blogs. Something that the Lord always takes me back to is that I am different and what he does in someone else is not for me. God wants to go deeper then deep and from reading your blog I felt that same emotion stirring in me again. I love you. You are an amazing actress! You are not hollywood and I praise God for it because then where would we be?

Anonymous said...

I'm really looking forward to being able to chat with you about this. I am moving to Brooklyn soon! Which will be first? My housewarming party.... or your football party? You can plan my housewarming party if it energizes you! That stuff drains me.