Conflicted

Today I am feeling conflicted. Conflicted about where I live, my faith, my life. Last night, after putting in my 8ish hours at New City, I drove to the heights for a meeting. I was going through an intersection when the light turned yellow above me. Previous to me entering the intersection, 3 people had begun to cross the street against the light and into my path. I honked to warn them when I got into the intersection. 2 of the people stopped. One, a teenage boy, not more than 15, but thugged out, kept walking and spit (yes... spit) on my truck. I want to live somewhere else. Somewhere where people are nice. Somewhere where being a Christian doesn't mean being unprofessional and ill prepared. We are looking at a house around the block. Nothing like the grand place on the quiet street we've looked at before. It's a small place nearly connected to a bodega. The scary part. We may actually get it. I'm scared we will finally have a place of our own that we'll be responsible for, but it's what I've wanted for so long. There is a speech, I'm going to misquote it I'm sure, but the essence is that our biggest fear is not that we'll fail, but that we'll succeed. I'm so used to being a horrible failure that success is too frightening. I'm so used to my life being such a mess that I don't want to say no and get organized and just concentrate on God because when all else is stripped away and I'm in his presence, nothing will ever be the same again. Worry is like a comfortable blanket for me. I've spent nights awake lately because my brain won't slow down. I invent things to worry about. And I think it's catching. Speedy has become a bit of a worry-wart lately. He cries when we leave the house, cries when we take him in the car with us, shakes in the cold but hates wearing a warm sweater. Yet again, my dog is my mirror. I did whisper a thanks this morning when I got back from taking joe to the train. I'm so thankful that there's another little body in my house to keep me company. On that note, another pic of the pup to brighten my day and yours.

This is one of our Christamas card pics. The caption is "YAY WINTER!!!" Actually he hates the winter stuff. Well, he hated the ear wrap, he actually curled up and took a nap in the scarves. Hope he makes you smile too.