The Dark Side

No star wars jokes here... feeling a little down and need to process. Tonight was the second half of our New City production, our annual spring fundraiser. Last night was over at the office, with all the ASC kids in tow and a 3 advil headache to sleep off. Tonight, after teaching all morning, trying to unwind with the Masters, I headed out to North Haledon for the second show. I got a really late start after arguing with Quickbooks for far too long and was stressed about it. The show was amazing, we had a far better turn out than we've ever had there, and I'm sure once I look at the pledge cards tomorrow, it will have been a sucessful weekend. North Haledon is closer to where most of our donors are and while it's a nice area, you have to go through Paterson to get there, which is a not so nice area. So while driving home, I was just overcome with frustration. I begged God to tell me why He won't let me leave the city. I'm so desperate for a house of my own, but I hesitate to actually buy anywhere in Jersey City because that will tie me here. I'm tired of horrible drivers, angry people and lack of parking. I'm tired of streetlights that shine in my window at night, I'm tired of groups hanging on the corner, tired of wondering if I'm going to have to deal with crap just to get to my house. I'm tired of not having enough cupboards to store my tupperware. I'm tired of my living room being my office, my family room, my library. I'm tired of my dog not being able to be off his leash except at the dog run, where he's harrased indignantly by ill-behaved dogs (if you catch my innuendo...) I'm tired of having to sit on my toilet (using it or not) just so to enjoy a serene patch of grass. I'm tired of litter, too many keys and alarm systems. I'm tired of murder, telling homeless I don't have any change and corruption in the system. I'm tired of lack of decency, lack of kindness and lack of tact. I keep trying to try again. Tonight I can't try anymore....
Sorry to be a downer. Thanks for listening.

Superchick and the Tao of Life

Jennn, thanks for reminding me...
I have long since decided that Superchick lyrics are some of the most encouraging and uplifting, to myself at least. There's One Girl Revolution for those days I want to kick butt and take names, Let It Be for when I'm feeling particularly beat up and Help Me Out God for those days when I just need to make it through til the next morning. But lately, the song ringing in my head is Get Up. Because of course, after I made my determination last week, I had a particularly rough one. Surgery is a definate, Ray's progress is going backwards and I've had the most desperate longings for a house of my own since I've moved here, all while struggling to make ends meet this week. But each day is not about building on the success of the day before or letting its failures hang over your head the minute it leaves the pillow. The word of God says "take up your cross daily." It's about Ray's verse. Each day has enough trouble of its own. I can't go back and fix yesterday's flubs, at least in the sense of making it like they never happened. I simply have another oportunity to try again today.
If I get up I might fall back down again, so let's get up c'mon. If I get up might fall back down again, we get up anyway. But we'll just jump and see even if it's the 20th (30th, 40th...) time, we'll just jump and see if we can fly.
Oh that today is the day I fly!