Determined to Hope

Yesterday as we walked up the stairs to the house after church, I told Joe, "I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time today." "About what?" he asked. "Just hopeful," I said. Could be that the sun had shone for 2 days in a row, as today it's a bit greyer and I'm having difficulty getting started... But more than that, I thought of the title phrase yesterday, and while it's written in the past tense, I like to use it more in the present tense (although I hesitated writing this because I'm not quite sure it's a word, or at least the proper usage of it...) I am determining to hope. I am making an active choice that I am no longer going to allow myself to be turned on the whims of other people. I'm tired of living in on a bubble. My life is going to be what I'm going to make of it, and I'd like to make it pretty good. Now, of course, after that determination, today is grey, I'm sleepy and just want to spend all day on my computer with Headline News and the Food Network blaring on the big screen. But I'm realizing that God has been telling me our TV is one of my biggest bubble-blowers. I'm not the type of person to say "ARGGG TV IS EVIL....KILL THE TVS....NEVER WATCH TV AGAIN.' But I need to make choices. I can be alone with my thoughts, read and actually understand Thoreau, write the plays and stories I've had ideas for, or I can let my mind have it's way and zone into CNN. I choose life. I choose the red pill... (a random matrix reference, but who knows if that's actually the pill I think I mean...) Along the same lines, after we had just come in the house, I had JUST made my statement to Joe, I was using the bathroom so we could call Steve to sing a horribly off key version of Happy Birthday to him (33 on Sunday WOO HOO!!!) when he beat me to the punch. He called, and while my bro is a wonderful, well rounded man of God, he doesn't really cry much (that I've seen) but with tears in his voice, he told me about our buddy Big Ray. Big Ray who is the most hopeful, jovial, loving man I've met. Big Ray who now is facing cancer all throughout his body. I struggled momentarily. I don't know what to do. The Presbyterian in me says "Make a casserole". I'm 500 miles away. Casseroles won't work. Joe gave me a big hug and said, "all we can do is pray. he can still be completely healed." I know this. Mentally, I know this. In my heart, I doubt. So, recognizing that this is a test, I will finish my post, close my computer, drink my coffee and go live life to it's fullest in this grey day. And I will be determined to hope. I will hope for Ray, I will hope for my knee (P/T starts today...) I will hope for the new structures I've laid out for my drama team that we will no longer function like a bobble headed doll, saying "yes" to everything and getting no where. I will hope for this city that I alternately loathe and love. And I will live. Because tomorrow isn't promised. I have today to worry about... Ray's favorite verse is Matthew 6.34 "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Please join me in praying for Big Ray. And today, LIVE. Live for Ray, live for me, live for God, live for you. LIVE