Living in on a Bubble

I've been stuck on the couch. Strep throat and now found out that the knee not only has a torn MCL which may heal on it's own, the ACL is indeed torn (had thought it wasn't... but oh well) and I will probably need surgery. But life on the couch has led to many hours of Headline News (I know.... but Robin is just so perky!) and surfing the web. Which has led me to a couple of new things. Facebook. Yeah, I spend way too much time on it, but it has led to some awesome re-connections with folks I haven't talked to for a while. And I've come up with new blog I like to read. A Running Commentary is by a friend of mine (and Steve's...) But reading his blog today made me really think. Steve and I both have known Chris always to be intelligent and passionate about what he believes, and in reading some of his posts it is obvious that he studies his subjects so that he can write clearly and effectively about them. But it made me wonder is there something out there that I am so passionate about that I would be that in depth? Steve used to drive me nuts making me listen to these crazy loud bands and say, "the drummer on this one use do be the lead singer here, but got together with the guitarist from that band..." Yeah, you see how much I remember about those things. Steve was always the smart one, and he always seemed to know so much about so many things. He remembers sports things, golf holes, golf scores, scripture and family events. I know when I have a question that needs clarification, he'll be the one with the answer.
But as for my title. Yes, I know I used both "in" and "on" where a normal person would choose just one of the two. But I will say, in the words of the doctor who took my temperature in the 5th grade. Who ever told me I'm normal? I'm not. So I didn't. In the midst of March Madness, indeed any sports stretch, "On the bubble" refers to having one's destiny be up in the air, yet to be decided by future things (and often other people) with the end result being favorable and hopeful or disastrous. Living "in a bubble" on the other hand, is the Pollyanna mindset that refuses to see any problems or difficulties other than one's own, certain that no one else in the world actually exists except in contact with ones self.
Yeah, so why do I feel that way. I feel like I've been living without living. Going about my daily life without going outside my boundaries. But instead of having the usual obliviousness that comes with living in a bubble, I have been waiting for other things outside of my control to decide my destiny. Maybe a bit like a ball in a pinball machine. It stays inside the machine, never doing anything other than the things that are inside the machine for it to do, but never quite deciding on it's own where it will go, but waiting to be flung around by the flippers.
Now, this rant could be fueled by the cold medicine I'm using to breathe properly right now, but I'm kind of tired of not knowing where my next step is going to be. Not that I'm not waiting on the Lord for what His will is, but am I passionate about nothing? Is there nothing out there that I wouldn't devote hours of my time to just so that I could know all there is to know about it? Is there nothing I would stand for so strongly that I would fight for it? As I type, I'm listening to talk radio and there is yet another woman on the show spouting the same old bumper sticker platitudes about a particular candidate, and I find myself almost waking up from a stupor, thinking "that's what I sound like". Not about a political candidate, although I am questioning what I actually think about our current president's policies and how I'll vote this November (thanks Chris) But about my life. There's a line in Dead Poet's Society "You're right. Carpe Diem. Even if it kills me." And of course, the traditional opening of the meeting of the dead poet's society from Thoreau "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." I think I am slowly discovering that I have not lived, not for a while. I've been existing and subsiding on that which has been handed to me. I think I did live at one point, but there has been such a fear that has come and I've stopped living because it was safer, neater, easier. To suck the marrow out of something can't be neat. I'm assuming it is a messy endeavor. But I think I've let the 'how' hold me back. I've let the 'how' kill me. I need to realize that indeed, even if it kills me I need to 'carpe diem'. So if you've got ideas on the 'how' leave a comment. But above all, join me in a barbaric YAWP and suck the marrow out of life. I'd love stories of how you're doing just that...