The Good, The Bad and the Very Ugly

I've gone through nearly 2 weeks of my 12 week adventure. There were definately some highlights. I stuck to my eating plan for a week and finally go to reward myself with a new lunchbox. Therefore I've been taking my lunch with me to work more this week. I went to the big, nice shoprite downtown to get groceries so I actually had choices rather than the same-olds I get at Food Basics. That has livened up my diet a bit this week (veggie burgers anyone?) And then there was the weekend out at Flemington visiting the fam. Missy is in from across the pond, Caylee and Lys got baptized at their church, which we got to see, and Speedy got to play with his new cousins, Murphy the baby pug and Oliver the frenchbulldog. There was the (minorly) bad, though too. I knew we would be having cake, so I did indulge in a small piece, and when everyone was roasting marshmallows, I had 2 instead of 10 like I usually would. So even though that's technically "bad" insofar as my food intake is concerned, I'm learning to moderate. In fact, had I wrote this post on Monday as I'd planned, the title would have been "everything in moderation". But then this week came the very ugly. All week I've just felt on the edge, headed for a breakdown, and last night it came. We had planned to film some pieces for a skit they are doing on Sunday, 6 shots total, 3 of them 20 second face shots of nothing but the subject looking at the camera. The other 3 shots were 45 second vignettes that required no sound, and will eventually be turned into black and white. I wanted to shoot before rehearsal, but due to life groups, had to shoot after at 10. They ended up not showing up til 10.15 and we didn't start shooting til near 10.45. But all the while they're getting things ready, I'm trying to think things through. I have 2 munchkins who need to get home right away once they're done and I don't have a guy I need for my third shot. I finally excuse myself to go outside and cry. One of my leaders came out because she knew I was close to crashing, and she just sat next to me as I cried. We finally started talking, and she said "Don't let this get you discouraged. The problem is deeper than this." Which it was. I'm used to the craziness at my church. We plan major productions in 2 weeks wih no sleep. We're working on the set right up until the doors open (which is usually late). But that's not me. I lived in a rodeo hall in Texas for a month running the ATF show til we could do it in our sleep. By the time we got to the end of the tour, we could set up the whole thing in 8 hours. I'm used to a different kind of excellence, thus I feel like I don't fit here. My leader kept saying, "this is where you belong. This is your home." And I kept sobbing "then why don't I fit here?" Of course, one of my little guys chose last night to finally bring me the Narnia Song from Switchfoot:
I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was. I believe you now, I've come too far, no I can't go back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known. This is home. Now I'm finally where I belong. Where I belong. Yeah this is home. I've been searching for a place of my own now I've found that maybe this is home. Yeah this is home.
Relief over misery. I've seen the enemy. And I won't go back, back to how it was. And I've got my heart set on what happens next, I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet. We're miracles, and we're not alone. Yeah this is home, now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found that maybe this is home. Yeah this is home.
And now after all my searching after all my questions, I'm gonna call it home. I've got a brand new mindset. I can finally see the sunset. I'm gonnna call it home.
Whoa, this is home. Now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home. I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found that maybe this is home. This is home. Now I know. Yeah this is home.
I've come too far. And I won't go back, yeah this is home.

I think that's the root of what these 12 weeks is about. I desperatly want to find "home". It's not a place, it's not a house. It's an intangible feeling that I know I belong. Maybe that's why I haven't been myself for the last few years. I've seen the enemy here tightening his hold on everything around me and I've not found where I can feel "home". So I haven't had a good place to fight back from. So I've rolled over and let him win. So as you follow me through these next 10 weeks, I know there have been comments of support for which I am so greatful, I just need more of that. Please. If you read my blog. No matter where you are (i've looked at my site feed...where ARE you people?!? It said India for someone....) please pray that I can find home first within myself, that I will make my heart a home worthy of the Lord, and that He will bless us with a home.

When the Going Gets Tough...

... This toughie usually eats ice cream. Not so today! But I could totally kill for some organic honey. Last night and this morning Joe asked me if I wanted tea (last night) and coffee (this morning)... Yes on both counts but no because I have become very fond of light and sweet on both counts. So yes, I am struggling, but I am determined. PRAY!! I am typing this on my black berry so that I don't think about the fact that there is a vending machine right across the laundry mat. And since I come here all the time the guy is nice to me and usually slips me a pack of peanut m&ms. I am practicing saying "lo siento. No permiso. " that's my broken Spanish of sorry, not allowed. Pray against the lovely m&m man!!!

And So It Begins

My prep week wasn't that good. I was moody, felt terrible and ate whatever I wanted, including all the wrong things. Today is presenting itself as more of the same. We didn't go to bed until 2am last night because we'd committed to picking up the Colorado team from the airport. They were originally scheduled to get in at 11pm, but lovely delays from weather, and yeah... I'm getting a bit of a late start but my day isn't as hectic as it usually could be so I'm taking it bit by bit. Had a great long afternoon with a friend last week, and told her about this plan, and her question for me was why did I want to be a different person. And that made me think some, I think it's more about being the best me that I can rather than being a different person. So that's what I'm meditating on for now. And I'm concentrating on not beating up myself for mistakes. I've given myself so little room for error before that I would end up going off the deep end if something went minutely wrong. So that's where I am today. Been watching the Olympics, so strangely, I'm feeling a bit more like anything is possible (props to the men's relay team). Also, I have been encouraged by Jennn (props for sticking to your goals while on vacay! Enjoy the time). And welcome home to Steve when he finally wakes up today. Those first couple of days home after camp are always a bit rough. We'll make it through together!
My stomach is starting to growl, so I'm going to grab some non-sugared breakfast! Keep praying folks!

12 Weeks

There's this sign down at our gym advertising a q&a session with a body builder lady who, according to the add, "changed her life" in 14 weeks. Now, I don't think she was huge to begin with, but I know she wasn't ripped like that. So I got to thinking, what could I do in a short span of time? 14 weeks is just over 3 months, so I shortened it to 12 weeks, which is 3 months. 3 months from next Monday is the day after my 6th wedding anniversary. (yeah, re-read that to make sure you got that right.) After speaking via e-mail with Angela, watching Danisia, and supporting Jennn, I've decided to see what I can do with myself, body, mind and spirit over the next 12 weeks. I'm using this week as a prep week, cleaning out cupboards and the fridge, planning meals. I'll start with a week or 2 of a sugar detox (only allowing natural sugars through fruits and such...) to try and weaken the hold my sweet tooth has on my life. I'm detoxing on the tv, using my DVR to its fullest, allowing myself to watch only the news and glenn in real time. I'll catch up on shows on the weekends when I can buzz through commercials. With admiration of Steve, I'm going to try and match his 2 books a month (FINALLY finished my way through the 5 1/2 book series of Hitchhikers Guide this weekend - homage to you, Nat!) I'm going to try and focus on being a better wife, a better friend, a better woman of God. I know. I've tried this before. I've given up before. I can't say I won't want to give up now. But as before, I know that the only thing holding me back from my destiny is me. So I can sit around and mope about getting old, or I can just kick my own butt and do it. We're having a big family thanksgiving in Ohio due to a new Boyd arrival in December, so that will be my marker. Will I show up at thanksgiving the same old mopey me? Or will I have some new breakthroughs to be thankful for. Here goes nothing!