The Good, The Bad and the Very Ugly

I've gone through nearly 2 weeks of my 12 week adventure. There were definately some highlights. I stuck to my eating plan for a week and finally go to reward myself with a new lunchbox. Therefore I've been taking my lunch with me to work more this week. I went to the big, nice shoprite downtown to get groceries so I actually had choices rather than the same-olds I get at Food Basics. That has livened up my diet a bit this week (veggie burgers anyone?) And then there was the weekend out at Flemington visiting the fam. Missy is in from across the pond, Caylee and Lys got baptized at their church, which we got to see, and Speedy got to play with his new cousins, Murphy the baby pug and Oliver the frenchbulldog. There was the (minorly) bad, though too. I knew we would be having cake, so I did indulge in a small piece, and when everyone was roasting marshmallows, I had 2 instead of 10 like I usually would. So even though that's technically "bad" insofar as my food intake is concerned, I'm learning to moderate. In fact, had I wrote this post on Monday as I'd planned, the title would have been "everything in moderation". But then this week came the very ugly. All week I've just felt on the edge, headed for a breakdown, and last night it came. We had planned to film some pieces for a skit they are doing on Sunday, 6 shots total, 3 of them 20 second face shots of nothing but the subject looking at the camera. The other 3 shots were 45 second vignettes that required no sound, and will eventually be turned into black and white. I wanted to shoot before rehearsal, but due to life groups, had to shoot after at 10. They ended up not showing up til 10.15 and we didn't start shooting til near 10.45. But all the while they're getting things ready, I'm trying to think things through. I have 2 munchkins who need to get home right away once they're done and I don't have a guy I need for my third shot. I finally excuse myself to go outside and cry. One of my leaders came out because she knew I was close to crashing, and she just sat next to me as I cried. We finally started talking, and she said "Don't let this get you discouraged. The problem is deeper than this." Which it was. I'm used to the craziness at my church. We plan major productions in 2 weeks wih no sleep. We're working on the set right up until the doors open (which is usually late). But that's not me. I lived in a rodeo hall in Texas for a month running the ATF show til we could do it in our sleep. By the time we got to the end of the tour, we could set up the whole thing in 8 hours. I'm used to a different kind of excellence, thus I feel like I don't fit here. My leader kept saying, "this is where you belong. This is your home." And I kept sobbing "then why don't I fit here?" Of course, one of my little guys chose last night to finally bring me the Narnia Song from Switchfoot:
I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was. I believe you now, I've come too far, no I can't go back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known. This is home. Now I'm finally where I belong. Where I belong. Yeah this is home. I've been searching for a place of my own now I've found that maybe this is home. Yeah this is home.
Relief over misery. I've seen the enemy. And I won't go back, back to how it was. And I've got my heart set on what happens next, I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet. We're miracles, and we're not alone. Yeah this is home, now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found that maybe this is home. Yeah this is home.
And now after all my searching after all my questions, I'm gonna call it home. I've got a brand new mindset. I can finally see the sunset. I'm gonnna call it home.
Whoa, this is home. Now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home. I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found that maybe this is home. This is home. Now I know. Yeah this is home.
I've come too far. And I won't go back, yeah this is home.

I think that's the root of what these 12 weeks is about. I desperatly want to find "home". It's not a place, it's not a house. It's an intangible feeling that I know I belong. Maybe that's why I haven't been myself for the last few years. I've seen the enemy here tightening his hold on everything around me and I've not found where I can feel "home". So I haven't had a good place to fight back from. So I've rolled over and let him win. So as you follow me through these next 10 weeks, I know there have been comments of support for which I am so greatful, I just need more of that. Please. If you read my blog. No matter where you are (i've looked at my site feed...where ARE you people?!? It said India for someone....) please pray that I can find home first within myself, that I will make my heart a home worthy of the Lord, and that He will bless us with a home.